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A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE ?,ToaS,<S??S,niS: 

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Expense No Object 

A Play in Three Acts 



By 
SAM JANNEY 

Author of **Mr. K'elley from Kalamazoo,* 
^* Picking a Winner y*^ etc. 



NOTE 

The professional and moving picture rights in this play are 
strictly reserved and application for the right to produce it 
should be made to the author in care of the publishers. 
Amateurs may produce it without payment of royalty on 
condition that the name of the author appears on all pro- 
grammes and advertising issued in connection with such 
performances. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1918 






Expense No Object 



CHARACTERS 

(/« the order of their appearance,) 

Neewah, a Japanese valet. 

Judge Harrison, imcle to Ash. 

Sherman Ash, yuan about town, Harrison s nephew. 

Chub Trask, a detective. 

Eddie Stone, a detective. 

Edwards, a butler. 

Mr. Carr. 

Mrs. Carr, his wife. 

Betty Carr, his daughter. 

Louise Walker, Harrison s adopted daughter. 

Baron Plum. 

Rev. Francis MacDonald. 

Policeman. 



The scene is laid in New York City and Tarrytown- 




Copyright, 191 7, by Sam Janney. 

Free for amateur performance. Professional stage and 

moving picture rights reserved. 

©CLD 48313 

NOV 12 1917 



1 






ORIGINAL CAST 

(As presented the week of August 14, igi^, at the Colonial Theatre^ 
PUtsJieldy Mass.y by Robert Graves, Jr., and the Pittsjield Players.) 



Eddie Stone 

Chub Trask 

SiDONiA Smith . 

Sherman Ash 

Neewah, his Jonpanese valet 

Mrs. Carr . . . 

Mr. Carr .... 

Mrs. Peckham 

Ted Carr, Jr. 

Mr. Peckham 

Louise Walker . 

Miss Campbell 

Mr, Booth .... 

Edwards, a butler 

Col. Hopkins \ r^i t / ^ /• 
Joe Price | ^^^^^^ Tarry town police 

Police Officer .... 



Ivan Simpson 

Wade Boteler 

Ann Bradley 

Malcolm Duncan 

. Waller F. Scott 

Charlotte Adams 

Albert Hickey 

Amte Hollingef 

George Gaul 

Edward Dofinelly 

Edith Luckett 

. Grace Bowen 

Alfred Clark 

John Southern 

f Fred Spencer 

\ John Southern 

. Alfred Clark 



The many differences between the above cast and that pertain- 
ing to the present printed version, as it appears on the preceding 
page, are explained by the fact that the play was thoroughly re- 
vised for publication and now appears in a greatly improved form. 



Dedicated to 
EDITH and MAL 



Expense No Object 



ACT I 

SCENE. — The bachelor apartments of Sherman Ash. 
Mdin entrance hack l. ; doors r. c. and front l. Large 
window hack r. The room is decorated with many 
sporting trophies of all kinds. 

{As the curtain rises Neewah, Ash's Japanese valet, 
is discovered seated front r. hefore a small table. 
On the table are a number of revolvers of different 
kinds, and against it five or six sporting rifles are 
leaning. Neewah is busy cleaning a handsome 
shotgun. A loud knock is heard at the main door. 
Neewah opens it, and Judge Harrison enters. He 
is a quick-tempered old gentleman, with a firm, de- 
termined face. He comes in and looks around 
the room disapprovingly, then fixes his gaze on 
Neewah.) 

Harrison. Good-morning ! 
Neewah {bowing and smiling). Yes! 
Harrison. Is my nephew in? 
Neewah. No ! 

Harrison. When do you expect him? 
Neewah {still smiling blandly). Yes! 
Harrison. I said, when do you expect him? 
Neewah. No ! 

Harrison {angrily). Yes, I did! I guess I know 
what I said ! 
Neewah. Yes ! 
Harrison. Of course — ^yes! 



8 expense no object 

Neewah. No ! 

Harrison. Say, what the ! Are you crazy? 

Neewah. Yes ! 

Harrison. Well, I'm glad you know it ! 

Neewah. No ! 

Harrison. Oh, go to the devil ! 

Neewah. Yes ! 

Harrison. Arhhh ! {He turns away in disgust, and 
starts walking around the room. Pauses in front of 
table R., and points at guns.) What's all this truck? 

Neewah. Yes ! 

Harrison. Eh ? What ? 

Neewah. No ! 

Harrison. Say — you ! 

(He takes a tight grip on his cane, and starts toward 
Neewah, who retreats. The door flies open, and 
Sherman Ash enters rapidly; pauses in surprise at 
sight of his uncle. Ash is dressed in flannels, and 
carries a tennis racket.) 

Ash. Why— hello, Uncle Phil ! 

{He comes forward and seizes Harrison's hand.) 

Harrison. Well, Sherman, how are you? 

Ash {still shaking his hand). My, my — I am 
glad ! Why, it's been forever since I saw you last ! 

Harrison {grimly; walking away). Yes. It is some 
time. {Looking at guns on table.) I see you haven't 
changed much ! 

Ash. What do you mean ? 

Harrison {pointing at table). Going to the war? 

Ash. Oh, no, that's just to keep Neewah busy. I did 
think of the war — but I've got a new scheme — the great- 
est scheme you ever heard of — just listen. Uncle 
Phil 

Harrison. Come, come! None of your schemes in 
mine! 

Ash. But, Uncle— just let me tell you ! 

^ Harrison {rousing himself). Damn it sir, no! I'm 
sick of your scatter-brained behavior ! I'm going to see 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 9 

an end of it, too! Now, you listen to me! I'm going 
to 

Ash. Now, Uncle Phil ! (He goes to him and 

speaks gently but firmly. ) You haven't come here again 
to ask me to go into the wholesale hardware business ? 

Harrison. Yes, I have! I swore I wouldn't — but 
I'm going to give you a last chance 

Ash. No, no, no! I don't want a last chance! I 
wouldn't take it on a bet! Why, there's about as much 
excitement in the wholesale hardware business as there 
is in making faces at a bowl of goldfish ! 

Harrison. There you go ! Excitement ! Excite- 
ment ! That's all you think of ! Excitement ! Always 
trying to get into some kind of trouble, because of the 
excitement of it ! Why the devil, sir, don't you try doing 
something useful for once ? 

Ash. But I am! That's just what I was trying to 
tell you ! I am going to ! I've undertaken something 
that's both exciting 

Harrison. Bah ! 

Ash. Exciting and useful ! I'm going into a pro- 
fession where there'll be plenty of excitement, and at the 
same time I'll earn my living and be a benefactor of 
society ! 

Harrison. Well, what is this wonderful profession? 

Ash. Simplest thing in the world. I'm going to be a 
detective ! 

Harrison (looking at him several moments in amaze- 
ment, then saying with cold disgust). Hell! 

Ash. Now, now, now. Uncle Phil. You know that's 
a fine idea! 

Harrison. Hell ! 

Ash. But listen to me. You don't understand. Just 
read this. (He takes a letter from his pocket.) 

Harrison. Hell ! 

Ash. But you haven't heard my plan yet. You 
haven't let me tell you a thing! 

Harrison. No ! And I'm not going to. I'm through 
with you for good and all ! 

Ash. Oh, Uncle Phil ! 



10 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

(Puts letter down, opened, on table R.) 

Harrison. Yes, Tm through ! Not that you care ! 
When my fool brother left you every cent of his hard- 
earned money he put it beyond my power to keep you 
from making a fool of yourself. God knows I've tried — 
but now I'm through ! 

Ash. Oh, no. Uncle Phil ! Just wait till you see what 
a success I am as a detective. Then you'll be proud of 
me! 

Harrison. No, I won't! Detective! Huh! (He 
starts to go; turns.) And one thing more. I know you 
don't have to worry about money, but just the same I 
suppose you expect to get my pile when I go 

Ash. Uncle Phil ! 

Harrison. Well, you needn't worry, you're not going 
to get it. I've attended to that. 

Ash. Oh, I wouldn't think of begrudging charity. 

Harrison. No, not charity. 

Ash. Of course not, of course not; hospitals! 

Harrison (embarrassed). No, not hospitals. 

Ash (with a whoop). Uncle, you're going to get 
married ! 

Harrison. No, no — you young fool ! But I've fixed 
you, just the same. I've adopted a daughter ! 

Ash. What! You? Adopted a daughter? Good 
Lord, and you call me down for going out after excite- 
ment ! Ho, ho, ho, ho ! 

Harrison. Shut up! It isn't a joke. 

Ash. Of course it isn't. It's a tragedy; only you 
don't know it ! Ho, ho, ho ! Just wait till this young 
lady gets started. She'll keep you hustling! (Pauses.) 
But of course not ; of course you'd pick out a dead one ! 

Harrison. Damn it, sir, she's not a dead one; she's 
a rattling fine girl ; a lot more alive than you are, and ten 
times as much sense ! 

Ash. Then she'll make you jump ! Depend upon it, 
she'll show you how to jump through hoops, and then 
make you do it ! Excitement ! Why, in another year I 
bet you'll be spending your vacations with me to rest 
your nerves ! Ho, ho, ho ! 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT II 

Harrison. Oh, laugh, laugh, you young jackass! I'll 
tend to my affairs, and you tend to yours. And if you 
get into trouble, don't come to me! {Starts to go.) 

Ash. Oh, but you mustn't go ! (Stops him.) Just a 
second, Uncle Phil, till I get some clothes on, and we'll 
go out to lunch. What do you say? 

Harrison. No, no ! 

Ash. Oh, yes! (Calls off r.) Neewah ! Neewah! 
(Neewah enters.) Neewah, makee tub — velly klick! 
Scoot! (He claps his hands, and Neewah goes off.) 
Now, Uncle, just a second! 

(He dashes out r., pulling his collar off as he goes.) 

Harrison. No, no — I tell you ! 

(He scowls after Ash, and starts for the door. He 
hesitates, then starts again. He is trying hard to be 
unrelenting, but it doesn't seem to be as easy as he 
expected. He walks around the room, trying to 
make up his mind. Pauses in front of the table; 
after a moment murmurs the word "detective! " 
Sees letter left by Ash ; a line catches his eye; he 
picks up letter, and glances at the first part and at 
the signature; laughs gloomily, then throws the letter 
down with disgust, and walks out, slamming the door 
after him. Neewah enters; through the open door 
the splashing of water is heard. Neewah looks 
around, then goes back. There is a knock at the out- 
side door. Neewah enters, crosses l., and opens 
the door. Chub Trask, a burly, aggressive man of 
forty, and Eddie Stone, a thin, nervous man of 
about the same age, enter.) 

Trask. Is Mr. Ash in? 

Neewah. Yes ! 

Trask. Will you give him my card, please ? 

(He holds out card.) 

Neewah. No ! 

(He takes card, bows and smiles, and goes out R. Tke 
others turn and look at each other.) 



12 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Trask (tapping his head). Nobody home! 
(They come forward, looking the room over.) 

Stone. Swell joint, all right. 

Trask. All this means coin, Eddie — lots of coin! 
(In a low voice.) Easy coin! 

Stone. Sure ! (He hacks into table r. ; turns, sees 
guns, and jumps hack in terror.) Ahhrrrrrr! Look, 
Chub, look ! 

Trask (crossing). What's the matter? (Looks at 
guns; reassuringly.) Oh, that doesn't mean anything — 
just an amateur's collection of pop-guns. 

Stone. I suppose so, but it makes me nervous. 

Trask. Shhhhhhhh ! 

(The door r. opens and Neewah enters.) 
Neewah. Yes! (Bows and smiles.) No! 
(Bows and smiles; then goes out.) 

Stone. Say ! I don't fall for this Yellow Peril ! I'll 
bet the most important heirloom in his family is a first 
edition copy of " The Art of Grafting " I 

Trask {in a low voice). Maybe we could make a 
deal with him? 

Stone. Say, come to! Which party is laying the 
golden eggs in this game? He'd sell us out the minute 
things got going! 

Trask. Well, I don't believe he knows enough Eng- 
lish to understand even if we explained it to him. 

Stone. That's all right ! If there was any graft in 
it, I'll bet he'd understand if you told him in Swedish ! 

Trask. Shut up! Just remember, I'm the brains of 
this firm ! Here he comes ! 

(The door opens, and Ash enters.) 

Ash. Good-morning, gentlemen. (He shakes hands 
with Trask.) This is Mr. Trask? 

Trask. Yes, and this is my partner, Mr. Stone. 

Ash. Very glad to know you. (He shakes hands 
with Stone.) Won't you sit down, gentlemen? 

Trask. Why, thank you ! 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 1 3 

{He and Stone sit; Ash remains standing.) 

Ash. Now, let's get right to business. You adver- 
tised in the paper this morning for young men wishing to 
become detectives. Is that right? 

Trask. Yes. 

Ash. Good! Now, let me hear all about it. What 
is your proposition ? 

Trask {clearing his throat, and assuming an oratorical 
manner). Well, to be absolutely frank, Mr. Ash, we did 
not expect to hear from you — that is, from any one in 
your position. 

Ash. In my position ? Why, what do you mean ? 

Trask. Why, simply this ! I presume that you were 
prompted to answer our ad largely by curiosity. Well, 
it's not the merely curious we are after. We want the 
type of young man who is in dead earnest. In other 
words, the stage-struck youngsters who have been read- 
ing Sherlock Holmes and Craig Kennedey. 

Ash. Ah ! I see ; a gentle graft ? 

(Stone starts 'violently.) 

Trask. By no means ! You see, these young men are 
willing to work for very little pay, and it's our only way 
of getting a thousand odd jobs done — bits connected with 
our big cases that we can't afford to put our highly paid 
experts on. 

Ash. Ah, yes ! And these young men, do they 
eventually become detectives ? 

Trask. Almost never. The novelty wears off, and 
they give it up. Besides, not one in a hundred has the 
slightest qualification to begin with. 

Ash. Hmmmmmmm ! I suppose not ! 

{There is a pause. Stone, fearing that his pal is de- 
liberately letting a good thing slip by, is getting more 
and more perturbed.) 

Trask. Well, Mr. Ash, we won't keep you any longer. 
I thought I'd just explain the situation at once. 

{He rises; Stone, glowering, also rises.) 



14 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Ash {deep in thought). I'm sure I appreciate it. 

Trask. Oh, no trouble at all ! {He starts irresolutely 
toward the door; he is beginning to think he has finessed 
too much.) Good-day! {There is no answer; he takes 
a step toward the door; pauses, and coughs loudly.) 
Good-day ! 

{No answer; he puts his hand on the door-knob.) 

Ash {suddenly). One moment! (Trask af^c? Stone 
heave deep sighs of relief, and come down stage.) Just, 
er — what would you say, offhand, were the fundamental 
qualifications of a detective? 

Trask. Well, offhand, I should say knowledge of 
men, personal bravery, keen sensibilities, physical strength 
and endurance, absolute lack of nervousness under pres- 
sure, and a precise, mathematical, analytical and de- 
ductive mind. 

Ash. Thanks ! Er — you didn't mention second sight I 

Trask. Well, of course that would help. 

Ash. Of course ! Now, Mr. Trask, supposing you 
came across a chap who was conceited enough to think 
he had most of these qualifications, would you take him 
on ? In dead earnest, I mean ? 

Trask. M-m-m-m! That depends! 

{He rises, and walks around, scratching his head 
meditatively.) 

Ash. Yes ? 

Trask. You see — well, frankly, endeavoring to teach 
the game to an inexperienced person would take up a 
good deal of time. We should have to put him in the 
care of one of our highly paid experts — Mr. Stone, for 
instance, — and, of course, now that the Eldridge case is 
giving us so much trouble 

{He almost suppresses a yawn.) 
Ash. One moment, Mr, Trask ! 

{He takes out a check book.) 
Trask. Er — I beg pardon? 
Ash {writing check). Just a moment. I think I un- 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 1$ 

derstand! (Hands Trask a check.) Perhaps that will 
end your doubts in the matter. 

Trask. Five hundred! Why, what's this for? 
Ash. Advance payment on my education as a detect- 
ive ' Now, you make good, and it will be worth more to 
you than a dozen cases. But if I catch you trying to 
graft, the cash stops; if I catch you trying to double- 
cross me, ril beat you up ; and if I find out that you re 
fakers, I'll see to it that you're sent up the river ! Get 
me? 

Trask. I— er— get you! 

Ash. Fine! Now we understand each other thor- 
oughly! . ^ T 
Trask. Oh, yes, indeed! Of course! But may I 
ask, why do you want to become a detective ? 

Ash. Excitement! I want excitement ! I'm bored 
to death with society, travelling, hunting. It isn't any 
fun shooting damn fool animals, and they arrest you if 
you shoot damn fool people. ^ 

Trask. Well, if you want excitement, why don t you 
go down and hunt scalps in Wall Street? 

Ash. I did try that. I had such fool luck it was no 
fun I started out with a million dollars, and in six 
months I had ten. (Stone collapses.) Oh, it was per- 
fectly sickening! 

Stone. Oh, yes— I can see just what you mean! 
Trask. And you think that a detective's life would be 
sufficiently exciting? 

Ash Yes ! You can't bribe a murderer to get caught 
and go to the chair. You can spend a fortune framing 
up a plan to catch him, but if he's really clever that sim- 
ply makes him fight all the harder to fool you. You see, 
a lot of money really isn't much use to a detective ! 

Stone (trying not to show his emotion). Oh, no! 
Of course not— no use at all ! 

Trask. But it means hard work— days without sleep, 
eating when you can, standing in the rain for hours 
watching for your man. 

Ash (interrupting him). Did you ever try to bag a 
moose? I've sat in an ice cold swamp every day for a 



l6 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

month waiting for a moose to turn up — and then he got 
away ! 

Trask. Well, besides the physical inconveniences, 
there are other unpleasant phases. You'll have to pal up 
wiih a lot of queer people, all kinds of shady specimens. 
You may even have to live with them for weeks at a 
time. 

Ash. Did you ever spend six months associating 
intimately with the noble red man of the wild and woolly 
west? If I'd studied biology at college I'd have a couple 
of new species named afier me by now. 

Trask. Then there's the dangerous part. You say 
you want excitement, but are you sure you'd care about 
facing a half crazy dago, armed with a ten-inch knife, 
and filled with a deep-rooted prejudice against electrical 
furniture ? 

Ash. Well, do you think you'd care about facing a 
perfectly sane grizzly, armed with a corking appetite, and 
filled with a naturally mean disposition? 

(Stone shivers apprehensively ; Trask hows to Ash.) 

Trask. Mr. Ash, I guess you win. 

Ash. Ah ! 

Trask. But I tell you frankly, it will cost you a good 
deal. Handling amateurs is a big nuisance, you know; 
it upsets the work in the office. I trust you understand 
our position? 

Ash. Absolutely ! Absolutely ! (Shakes hands zvith 
Trask.) All I want is to learn the game. Expense is 
no object! (Shakes hands zvith Stone.) 

Stone. Oh, of course not — of course not ! No object 
at all ! 

Ash. Splendid ! We certainly understand each other ! 

Stone. Oh, yes, perfectly ! 

Ash. And now, gentlemen, I have a big surprise for 
you! 

Stone (his grin vanishing) . Uhh, surprise? 

Trask. Surprise ? What do you mean ? 

Ash (clapping his hands together). Yes, a great big 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 1 7 

surprise ! (Points his finger accusingly at Trask.) You 
thought I was just a boob amateur, didn't you? 

Trask (fearing the worst, hut keeping up a front). 
Why — no — no ! Of course not ! 

Ash. Oh, yes you did! (Points his finger at Stone, 
who crumples.) You thought I was just a rich young 
idiot with a hobby ! 

Stone. No, no ! Not at all, no ! 

Ash. You did ! You know it ! 

Stone. No, no ! 

Ash. Well, you're now going to get the surprise of 
your life! (He makes a sudden cross to table R. ; at the 
sight of him heading for the supply of artillery Stone 
gives up all hope and sinks in a chair. Ash picks up the 
letter and waves it at them. ) I've got a case for you ! 

Stone. A — what ? 

Ash. a case! 

Stone. A case of what? 

Trask. Shut up, you idiot ! Don't you understand — 
a case for us to work on! A job! (To Ash.) That's 
it, isn't it? 

Ash. Why, of course! 

Trask. Of course! Certainly! (Glares at Stone.) 
You poor simp! (C fosses to Ash and shakes hands.) 
Mr. Ash, I've known all along that you were going to 
bring us good luck ! And I want you to know that I ap- 
preciate what you've done ! 

Ash. Oh, it's nothing! 

Trask. Oh, yes, it is ! Bringing us a case means 
more than you think it does ! 

Stone. Yes, a great deal more ! 

Trask (glaring at Stone, then turning to Ash). 
Now, supposing you, — ah, — give us an idea of this case ! 

Ash. Why, certainly! It's a rather simple one, I'm 
afraid — but it will pay very well — the people are wealthy, 
and won't care what they spend. 

Trask. But, Mr. Ash, if it Is a simple case, as you 
say, we could not think of accepting more than a 
moderate fee ! 

(Stone gasps, hut recovers.) 



l8 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Stone. Oh, no ! We couldn't think of it ! 

Ash. Well, that's your affair ! Now here's the case. 
(Holds up the letter.) 1 received this letter yesterday. 
It's from an old friend, Mrs. Stephen Carr. She says 
she's giving a house party, and she asks me to engage a 
private detective for her. 

Trask. a private detective — just for a house party? 
Ridiculous ! 

Ash. Ah, but v^ait! Their place is out at Tarry- 
town — and she tells me that there have been six burglaries 
within a month — all in houses near her. And most im- 
portant of all, one of her guests is to be Mrs. Gordan 
Peckham ! 

{He pauses, as though expecting some show of 
emotion.) 

Trask. Well? 

Ash. Why ! You mean to say you don't know who 
Mrs. Gordan Peckham is ? 

Trask. No — can't say I do ! • 

Ash. Why, all the society columns have been full of 
accounts of her lately ! But then, I suppose you detect- 
ives don't read anything but the Police Gazette, and that 
hasn't got a society column, has it? 

Stone. Oh, yes, several kinds of society columns! 

Trask. But I'm afraid not a word about this Mrs. 
Peckham. 

Ash. Well, there's not much to tell about her; only 
that last month she brought a famous diamond necklace 
into the country and actually didn't try to smuggle it — 
paid sixty thousand dollars* duty without batting an 
eyelash ! 

Stone. My God ! 

Ash. Oh, it made a tremendous sensation ! And now 
Mrs. Carr is up against the problem of having this neck- 
lace staying at her house, and right after this string of 
robberies in the neighborhood. 

Trask. I see ! I see ! A pretty serious business. 
Most interesting, too. Highly interesting as a problem in 
detection, eh, Stone?, 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT I9 

Stone. Oh, without a doubt. 

Trask. And far from simple, Mr. Ash, far from sim- 
ple. To the contrary, I should call it very intricate. 

Stone. Yes, in fact, I should call it the most intricate 
case we ever handled ! 

(Trask glares at him.) 

Ash (eagerly). Then you'll undertake it? 

Trask. Well, I don't know! (Scratches his head; 
thinks deeply. ) You see, we have so much on hand now ! 

Ash. But this is only for a few days — from now till 
Monday — barely three d^ys. 

Trask. Yes, but this is a new case. We have others 
waiting. (After a moment's meditation.) Stone, do 
you suppose we could drop the Von Elsener case for a 
few days, and the Schuyler Westmore case ? 

Stone (taking out a note-hook and consulting it). 
Why, yes, I suppose we could inanage it. 

Trask. Very well, then, Mr. Ash ; we'll take the case ! 

Ash. Fine ! Splendid ! And now I'm going to make 
a suggestion. Mrs. Carr wants a detective. Well, sup- 
pose we give her two ! I'll go as one of the guests, and 
your partner, Mr. Stone, can go disguised as a butler! 

(Stone collapses.) 

Trask. Why, why, of course ! That's a fine idea ! 

Stone. But see here, I 

Trask. You shut up! It's a fine idea, and you're 
going as a butler ! 

Stone. But, but 

Trask. Now that'll do ! Remember, I'm the brains 
of this firm. Mr. Ash, your idea is exactly the thing. 
Mr. Stone can be on the scene, and act both as protection 
for the necklace and as your instructor. I will stay at a 
hotel in the village and keep my eye open for suspicious 
characters. 

Ash. Great ! And now, I don't think we ought to 
lose any time. The sooner we get out there and see the 
lay of the land the better. (Trask nods approvingly.) 
My car's down-stairs. Give me five minutes to pack, 
and we can start immediately. 



20 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Trask. That's the idea ! 

Ash. Then if you'll excuse me? {He starts out R.) 
Neewah ! Neewah ! 

{He goes out r. Trask turns to Stone joyfully.) 

Trask. Eddie! A gold mine! The Bank of Eng- 
land ! The Kimberly diamond fields, all in one ! Eddie, 
we're going to make Vernon Castle turn green with envy ! 
(Stone shakes his head gloomily.) Well, what's the 
matter? Don't you get me ? We've struck it rich ! 

Stone. Chub — I don't like it ! It don't look good to 
me. Did you hear what he said about sending us up the 
river if he got wise we were a con game ? 

Trask. Con game? We won't work any con game! 
We'll give him the goods ! We'll make a regular detect- 
ive out of him ! 

Stone. What do you mean ? 

Trask. Why, don't you see? He won't know that 
the tricks we teach him are old stuff to every newsboy in 
town! 

Stone. You mean you're going to kid him along with 
all that Nick Carter dope we pull on the regular boobs ? 

Trask. Sure ! He'll never get wise ! 

Stone. Maybe not. But if I'd ever been kidded by 
a man-eating grizzly and gotten back to home and mother, 
believe me it would take some kidder to ever kid me 
again ! 

Trask. That's all right. I think he's bluffing. You 
watch. We're going to clean up ! We'll watch our 
chance, get our hooks on a pile of his coin. Then over 
the hills and far away ! 

Stone. Or up the river and far away ! Say, I'll bet 
that guy would blow in a couple of million to get us if 
we made a monkey of him ! 

Trask. That's all right. Leave it to me. Remem- 
ber, I'm the brains of this firm. 

Stone. And I'm the nerves. 

Trask. Shhhhh ! Shut up ! 

(The door r. opens and Ash enters carrying a suit- 
case. ) 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 21 

Ash. Well, almost ready. (Calls off r.) Hurry up, 
Neewah ! {Puts suit-case down; sees table, and pauses.) 
Oh ! {Picks up a revolver; turns to Trask.) Of course 
I carry a gun ? 

Stone {greatly perturbed). No I No! 

Ash. Oh, I say — really? 

Trask. I — er — hardly think it wise. You see, if 
anybody found out you were carrying a gun, the whole 
crowd would know you were a detective in half an hour. 

Ash. Oh, but they wouldn't find out ! I've got a 
little automatic — no bigger than that ! Slips into your 
vest pocket, — little beauty ! Shoot a bullet through four 
men standing in a row ! 

(Stone gasps.) 

Trask. Yes, but crooks hate standing in a row. It's 
too suggestive. I don't think you'd find four of them 
-willing to accommodate you. 

Ash. Well, I hate not to take a gun. After all the 
years I've spent collecting them, too! It's a wonderful 
collection — over three hundred varieties, and every one 
of them's killed a man ! Very unique collection — only 
one of its kind ! 

Trask. M-m-m, yes, I suppose so. I'd like to see 
it some time ! 

Ash. Oh, it's a wonderful collection. But think how 
much better it will be after I've been a detective for a 
year or so ! 

(Stone sinks into a chair.) 

Trask. I — er — suppose you're a crack shot? 

Ash. With a rifle — no ! I'm afraid I'm a bit near- 
sighted. But with any kind of a pistol — well, they seem 
to just aim themselves in my hand ! 

Stone. Did you ever — er — bag anybody? 

Ash. Oh, a couple of half-breeds, once. They tried 
to bluflf me out of my camping outfit, and stole my rifle 
to do it with. As it happened I had an old-fashioned six 
shooter in my kit — Civil War veteran I'd picked up for 



22 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

my collection. So I took some shotgun shells apart, and 
loaded the old fossil up with BBs. Say, it was a riot ! 

Trask. You mean you were able to hit anything with 
one of those old blunderbusses ? 

Ash. Well, it took all six charges. BBs are awfully 
light, you know. 

Stone. And — and what were the half-breeds doing 
while you were potting them ? 

Ash. I'm afraid they were pretty bad shots ! 

Trask. M-m-m, I see. And what did the authorities 
say when you brought in the debris? 

Ash. Oh, they were peevish, of course. But I talked 
them out of it. Great advantage in handling your own 
case. 

Stone. Then, then you're a lawyer, too ? 

Ash. Not officially. But I knew enough to get away 
with it. 

Stone. Oh ! 

Ash. Well, we ought to be off! Wonder what's 
keeping Neewah. Oh, by the way, have you got a but- 
ler's uniform among your disguises? 

Stone. No, I don't believe I have ! 

Ash. Then we'll have to get one. 

Trask. We'd better stop at the office for a couple of 
pairs of handcuffs, too. 

Ash. Oh, no! That's all right! I've got a collec- 
tion of handcuffs, too ! Just a minute ! 

{He dashes off r. Stone crosses to Trask.) 

Stone. Chub, I don't like this — it makes me nervous. 

Trask. Oh, shut up ! Just wait. We'll get this guy 
where we want him. 

Stone. Yes. And then he'll dig an Egyptian sling- 
shot out of his collar case, and it'll just aim itself in his 
hand! 

Trask. Oh, you make me sick ! 

Enter Ash with a chain on which are strung several 
dozen handcuffs of all descriptions. 

Ash. Here you are. Take your choice. 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 23 

Trask. Ah — that's fine ! {He picks out several pairs 
of cuffs. ) You know how to use these ? 
Ash. Well, not professionally. 
Trask. Very simple! 

{He slips the cuffs on Ash's wrists and locks them.) 

Ash. Yes — but suppose I was trying to get away ? 

Trask. Oh, that wouldn't make any difference! 
{Unlocks the cuffs and takes them off.) Go ahead and 
try it ! 

Enter Neewah with suit-case. 

Ash. No, I want to watch. Try it on Neewah ! 

Trask. Oh, all right! Here, you! {He beckons to 
Neewah, who comes forward.) Now you try to get 
past me and get out of that door, see? 

Neewah. Yes. 

{He smiles blandly, but does not move.) 

Trask. Well, go ahead. 

Neewah. No. {He continues to smile.) 

Trask. You see, you're supposed to be a burglar, and 
try to bteak away and get out of that door, see? 

Neewah. Yes. 

Trask. All right ! Now start. 

Neewah. No. 

Trask. Good Lord ! Now listen, you 

Ash {suddenly remembering). Oh! I say, I forgot! 
He doesn't understand English ! 

Trask. Good-night ! 

Ash. Here, Neewah! You catchee door {pointing) 
velly klick ! 

Neewah. Oh — yes! 

{He looks at Trask, then ambles slowly across the 
stage. ) 

Trask. No, no! Move! More action! Try and 
get away ! 

Neewah. No? {Looks at him blankly.) 
Trask, Oh, Lord! (To Ash.) Tell him again! 



24 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Ash. Neewah — catchee door, velly klick! Velly 
klick ! 

Trask. Yes — velly klick, or I'll give you one swift 
kick! 

Neewah. Yes ? 

Trask. Yes ! 

Neewah. Oh — no! {Smiles sweetly.) 

Trask. Yes, I said! Now catchee that door! 

Neewah. Yes ! 

Trask. Yes ! And velly klick ! My time's valuable I 

Neewah. No ! 

Trask {howling). Yes! You heathen! Now, velly 
klick — catchee that door, and don't say no ! 

Neewah. Yes ! 

(Trask gets ready to stop him; Neewah looks at his 
preparations interestedly, then ambles peacefully 
across the stage. Trask groans.) 

Trask. No! {To Ash.) Say, are you sure "velly 
klick " doesn't mean " funeral " in Japanese ? 

Ash. I don't know, maybe it does ! Try and show 
him in pantomime ! 

Trask. Good idea! Fine! {To Neewah.) Here, 
you — watch ! See, — catchee door, quick, like that, see ? 

{He illustrates by dashing across the stage.) 

Neewah. Oh, yes ! 

Trask. All right ! Now go ahead ! ( Neewah smiles 
at him, then gallops gently across.) No, no, no! 

Neewah. No? 

Trask. No I Look ! You're trying to make a scrap, 
see? You're in a hurry to leave, see, this way! {He 
dashes across the stage, waving his arms and shouting 
"Hey — get out of my way — hey — look out!") Like 
that! Then I try to catch you and put these on — see? 

{Holds up handcuffs.) 

Neewah. Oh, yes ! {He waves his arms zvildly, and 
shouts in Japanese. ) Noiter, noiter, soco noiter, ishinoo ! 
{Stops abruptly, smiles at Trask.) No ? 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 25 

Trask. Yes ! That's it ! You've got the idea ! 

Neevvah (zvaving his arms and shouting again). 
Noiter, noiter ! Soco nolter ! Ishinoo ! (Stops, smiles, 
and points at handcuffs.) Yes? 

Trask. Yes ! Yes ! Fine ! 

Neewah. Oh ! (Nodding under standingly, he goes 
down R., and takes his position. Trask and Stone brace 
themselves to meet his onslaught. Neewah stands for a 
moment waving his arms and shouting.) Noiter, noiter, 
soco noiter! (He plunges furiously across the stage at 
them.) Noiter, soco noiter, soco noiter! (As he reaches 
them, he stops dead, and holds out his hands to he hand- 
cuffed, smiling blandly.) Ishinoo! 

(Trask and Stone throw up their hands in despair. 
Ash comes forward, and claps his hands together.) 

Ash. Here's an idea ! I'll give you a thousand dol- 
lars ; teach him to be a detective too ! 

(Trask and Stone collapse utterly.) 
QUICK CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — The Carrs' country place at Tarrytown. 
Handsome living-room with usual furniture. Large 
double doorway hack r., showing stairway. The hack- 
ing must he of a light color, so that the shadow of any 
one descending the stairway may he plainly seen hy the 
audience. Entrance front r. Back c. a three paneled 
mirror, the center panel to slide to one side disclosing a 
small safe. Safe and one panel of mirror breakaways, 
safe for an explosion, mirror to crack. From safe to 
L. glass doorways opening on piazza, covering whole 
left side of stage, with an alcove at exireme l. with 
practical doors. Alcove has arch with side curtains. 
Large doorway hack l. ; fireplace c. l. ; entrance front 
L. Rocking-chair front l. Medium size table front r. 
It is about nine in the evening. Lights fidl up; moon- 
light outside. 

(As the curtain rises the stage is empty. The door 
front R. opens, and Stone enters. He is in butler's 
livery, and carries a large tray with coffee cups and 
so forth. His expression is unhappy; he starts 
gingerly across the stage. A sharp voice calls off R.) 

Edwards (off r.). Look out! (Stone starts vio- 
lently; Edwards, a butler, enters, and glares at him.) 
See here, you drop that tray again and you'll catch it! 
And try not to spill any more coffee or soup or salad 
dressing on the guests! Now — get along! (Stone 
starts to go.) Look out! (Stone trips.) Hey? 

Stone. See here, I 

Edwards. Shut up ! 

Stone. I 

Edwards. Shut up ! Now take those things down to 
the kitchen, then help cook wash the dishes. And hurry 
up. 

26 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 2/ 



Stone. See here, I 



Edwards. Shut up ! Get along now ! ( Stone starts 
across the stage.) Look out! (Stone stumbles, turns 
and glares at Edwards. ) You big dub ! 

{He goes out r. Stone starts out l., sees small table 
with whiskey and soda; puts tray down, and pours 
out a glass of whiskey. As he does so Nee w ah 
enters back r. and crosses the stage very quietly, 
pausing just behind Stone. Stone starts to drink, 
pauses, then starts again; Neewah sneezes and 
Stone starts violently, spilling the whiskey.) 

Stone. You here again? Well, get out — quick! 
Neewah (smiling sweetly). Yes? 
Stone. Yes! Beat it — vamoose! 
Neewah. No ? 

Stone. No, not " no " ! " Yes! " Clear out, you ! 

Neewah. Yes! {He persists in a bland smile.) 
Stone. Oh, Lord ! Well, stay, then ! 
Neewah. No! {He goes out front l.) 
Stone. Uh ! 

{He pours out a glass of whiskey, and drinks it. He 
pours out another glass, and is about to drink it; 
Ash enters back r.) 

Ash. Hello ! 

(Stone starts, spills the whiskey, turns and sees Ash, 
then tries to hide the glass.) 

Stone. Oh — uh — hello ! 

Ash. Any news ? 

Stone. Not a bit ! 

Ash. Well, I have some! {Comes close to Stone 
and lowers his voice.) Mrs. Peckham's been called to 
Poughkeepsie. Mrs. Carr's seeing her off now ; and she's 
left the necklace here ! 

Stone. Here ? Where ? 

Ash. In the safe! 

Stone {trying to appear calm). Where — uh — is the 
safe? 



l8 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Ash. There — {pointing) back of that mirror, the 
center one. 

Stone. Oh! Do you — uh — know the combination? 

Ash. No. Why? 

Stone {embarrassed). Well, I just thought, in case 
of emergencies. 

Ash. What emergencies? 

Stone {very nervous). Why — er — there might be a 
fire. 

Ash. Nonsense ! Fire wouldn't hurt diamonds ! 

Stone. No — I suppose not ! I say, though — are you 
sure you ought to have that valet of yours around ? Are 
you sure he's honest ? 

Ash. Why ? Has he been acting suspiciously ? 

Stone. Well — not exactly. 

Ash. Or maybe he's been acting as though he sus- 
pected you of something? 

(Stone trembles.) 

Stone. Oh — no! No! But — well, I just don't like 
having a chink hanging around. 

Ash. Say! You let him hear you calling him a 
chink, and there won't be enough left of you hanging 
around to pass as a pinch of dust! (Stone drops the 
whiskey glass.) He hails from Tokio, and the last man 
who said " Hello, chink ! " to him cost me over two hun- 
dred dollars in hospital bills ! 

Stone. Oh, well — of course. 

Ash. Don't worry, I'll keep my eye on Neewah. You 
keep your eye on that man Edwards. I don't like him! 

Stone {with great feeling). Neither do I! 

Ash. Well, cheer up ! Something may turn up to 
keep us busy. You know, if nobody does try to land 
that necklace, I'll be mighty disappointed ! 

Stone {looking covertly at safe). Well — I hope you 
won't be disappointed ! 

Ash. I hope not ! Now I'm going out to get the lay 
of the land; if anything does happen, I want to be pre- 
pared for the trouble ! So long ! 

(^He goes out hack l. into the garden. Stone looks 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 2g 

around hastily, then crosses back r., and carefully 
examines the mirror, hut fails to find the spring that 
releases it. Betty Carr, a pretty girl of eighteen, 
enters from the library front r.) 

Betty. Oh, Stone ! 

Stq-nk (turning, frightened). Eh? Yes, ma'am? 

Betty. Have you seen Mr. Ash? 

Stone. Yes, ma'am. He just went into the garden. 

Betty. Oh, thank you ! 

(She crosses the stage quickly, and goes out back l. 
Stone watches her, then goes to the telephone 
front L.) 

Stone. Hello, hello! Give me the Florence House! 
Hello, I want to speak to Mr. Trask. What ! He's gone 
to New York! When will he be back? Oh! No, no 
message. 

{He puts down the 'phone, and curses silently. Takes 
up the tray, and is about to go. Edwards enters, 
and pauses in surprise.) 

Edwards. Here, what's the matter ? Why aren't you 
down-stairs ? 

Stone. I — Miss Carr had something for me to do. 
Edwards. Oh ! Well, get along, now ! Hurry ! 

(Stone glares at him, and goes out. Edwards looks 
around him, then crosses rapidly to the safe, and 
touches a hidden spring. The center panel slides 
open, revealing a small safe built into the wall. He 
makes a hasty examination, as though quite accus- 
tomed to the safe, the indication being that the safe 
has been previously prepared for cracking when the 
contents shoidd warrant such a step. He closes the 
slide; looks at his watch, and then at a time-table. 
Voices are heard in the garden; he puts away the 
time-table, and goes out front l. Mrs. Carr, a 
handsome woman of forty, and her husband, a 
nervous, jumpy looking man of the same age, enter 
from the garden.) 



30 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Mrs. Carr. Never mind, Stephen ; accidents will hap- 
pen, and Joe will have the car fixed in the morning. 

Carr. But trolley cars make me so nervous ! And 
now how will we go for the rest of the people? We'll 
have to hire a machine ! 

Mrs. Carr. Nonsense! We'll borrow Mr. Ash's. 
{She has a bunch of flowers in her hand, which she 
carries to the table front r. ; puts them down, and brings 
a small vase from another table; shakes it; it is empty.) 
What a bother — no water ! {She sets the vase down on 
the table.) Well, I'll wear them. {During the following 
scene she is busy arranging the flowers as a corsage 
bouquet. Carr is trying with difficulty to extract some- 
thing from his inside breast pocket.) What on earth are 
you doing? 

Carr {bringing to light a muddy horseshoe). Ah — 
there ! 

Mrs. Carr. But what? 

Carr. A horseshoe, my dear. The best possible luck ! 

Mrs. Carr. Oh! 

Carr. You know, I've been so worried. To begin 
with, it's Friday; then this morning I met a drove of 
pigs — that's terribly bad luck. And that dog howled 
under our window again last night. Oh, I've just known 
some misfortune was coming! 

Mrs. Carr. Oh, you have? Well, I've got some- 
thing real for you to worry about! 

Carr {greatly excited). Great Heavens! You — you 
haven't broken a mirror? 

Mrs. Carr. No, no. {In a low voice.) Emilita left 
her necklace here ! 

Carr. Whew! Where? 

{He looks toward the safe.) 

Mrs. Carr. Yes, in the safe. But the strong-box is 
in town being repaired ; so there's nothing but the outside 
steel door between the necklace and — and anybody that 
knows the combination! 

Carr. Yes, yes! Thank Heavens that detective is 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 3 1 

here! It makes me feel easier. By the way, who is 
this Miss Walker, who came at the last moment? 

Mrs. Carr. A friend of Emily's. She telephoned 
begging me to take care of the girl over Sunday. She's 
an orphan, I believe. 

Carr. Oh, I see! 

Mrs. Carr. Why, you don't think ? 

Carr. No, no, no! Just that she was a stranger, 
you know. 

Mrs. Carr. Oh, but I'm sure she's all right. {She 
crosses l.) Still, I wonder why Emily didn't have her 
herself. 

{She absent-mindedly begins rocking the rocking-chair; 
Carr sees this, and rushes toward her.) 

Carr {wildly). Look out, my dear; look out! 

Mrs. Carr. Why, what on earth ? 

Carr {drawing her away from the chair). My dear, 
you must never rock an empty rocking-chair. It's 
frightfully bad luck. 

{Sighs with relief, and mops his brow.) 

Mrs. Carr. Oh, rubbish! 
Carr. My dear — please. Be careful ! 
Mrs. Carr. Rubbish, I say ! 

Carr. Oh, but you mustn't ! You mustn't talk about 
the luck that way — not unless you cross your fingers ! 

{He starts looking around the floor.) 

Mrs. Carr. Fiddlesticks ! ( Watching him. ) What 
on earth are you looking for? 

Carr. Why — why {Triumphantly.) Ah! {He 

bends over and picks up a pin.) There! That will 
counteract the effect of the chair! {He turns up the 
lapel of his coat, disclosing several rows of pins, and 
places the newly found one with the rest.) Now we're 
all right— for the time being. But do be careful, my 
dear! 

Mrs. Carr. Yes, yes! 

Carr. I think I'll play a little solitaire In the library. 
Just call me when you're ready to go, will you, dear? 



22 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Mrs. Carr. All right. 

(Carr goes off front r. Mrs. Carr goes to the safe, 
and lays her hand on it; pauses, looking worried; 
then makes a gesture of impatience, and starts across 
stage. As she is standing by the safe a shadow 
appears on the wall seen through entrance back l. ; a 
moment later Louise Walker, a pretty girl of about 
twenty-six, appears coming down the stairs. As 
she enters she calls to Mrs. Carr, who stops.) 

Louise. Oh, Mrs. Carr ! 

Mrs. Carr. Why, what is it, Miss Walker? 

Louise. I — I have a great favor to ask of you. 

Mrs. Carr. Yes? 

Louise. I wonder if you would mind putting some 
money of mine in your safe? 

Mrs. Carr (starting slightly; after a moment's hesita- 
tion). Why — no! Of course not ! 

Louise. Thank you so much ! Here ! (She hands 
Mrs. Carr a bidky roll of bills.) I had a check cashed 
this morning and foolishly asked for small bills ; you see, 
there's only about a hundred dollars there, but it's too 
bulky to carry, and I don't like to leave it in my room. 

Mrs. Carr. Of course not. (She looks at the roll of 
bills; she is still worried, though the story sounds plausi- 
ble.) I — I'll put it right in the safe! 

Louise. Oh, I am obliged ! 

(She watches Mrs. Carr expectantly.) 

Mrs. Carr. Oh, no bother at all. (She goes to the 
safe, and slides the mirror to one side; places her fingers 
on the combination, then looks apprehensively at Louise, 
and shifts her position so as to mask the safe from her 
gaze; Louise, perceiving this, turns her back and walks 
away; Mrs. Carr opens the safe door, slips the money 
in, and slams the door to with a sigh of relief ; closes 
the mirror, and turns to Louise.) Now I guess it will 
be all right! 

Louise. Oh, I'm sure it will ! 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 33 

Mrs. Carr. I hope you're enjoying yourself, my dear? 

Louise. Very much indeed, thank you! 

Mrs. Carr. I'm afraid it's been rather dull, but the 
rest of our guests will be here later in the evening. 
We're going for them in a few minutes. 

Louise. Oh, it hasn't been dull. Mr. Ash strikes me 
as being such an interesting young man. 

Mrs. Carr. Why, yes — he was most entertaining at 
dinner. But that was because my husband was there. 
I'm afraid you wouldn't get a word out of him alone. 

Louise. Why, how is that? 

Mrs. Carr. Oh, my dear — he's the most frightful 
woman hater ! A really sincere one, too ! He's simply 
bored to death with every woman he has to talk to — and 
of course they're bored, too. 

Louise. How strange! Why, I'm sure I saw him 
and your daughter just now out in the garden together — 
and there's the most romantic kind of a moon ! 

Mrs. Carr. Oh, Betty's incorrigible ! She'd try to 
flirt with the Sphinx ! Of course, my dear, they all try 
him ! He's tremendously wealthy, and a great catch. 
But nobody's found the right bait for. him yet. 

Louise. Oh — indeed ! 

Mrs. Carr. Yes, he's hopeless. But the others will 
be here soon — several very eligible young chaps, and two 
such charming girls. So you needn't w^orry about Mr. 
Ash. {She goes to the door front l.) 

Louise. Oh, I'm not worrying about him, not in the 
least ! 

Mrs. Carr. Well, it wouldn't do you any good if you 
did ! 

{She goes out. Louise cocks her head on one side 
and stands thinking, as though speculating on the 
chances. Then she squints at the safe out of the 
corner of her eye, crosses the stage, and stands look- 
ing at it. This constant preoccupation of the entire 
cast with the safe is intended as comedy, and shoidd 
he played as such rather broadly. As Louise looks 
at the safe, Betty enters from the garden in a very 
much peeved state of mind, and flounces down in a 



34 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

chair. Louise watches her for a moment, then 
comes forward.) 

Louise. Well, did he harden his heart against you? 

Betty (angrily). He didn't have to! He hasn't got 
a heart. He's got a paving stone ! 

Louise. And with all that beautiful moonlight, too! 

Betty. A lot he cares about moonlight ! He's not 
looking at the moon. I think he's making a map of the 
grounds ! 

Louise (catching her breath; after a pause). Oh! 
Maybe he's a German spy ! 

Betty. No, he isn't ! He's just a conceited young — 
young crab ! 

Louise. Then — you couldn't make any impression — 
at ah? 

Betty. He wouldn't even get embarrassed. And I 
said some perfectly awful things to him! (She gets up 
and walks around.) And he's picked the first rose of the 
season — and I want it — and he wouldn't give it to me ! 

(She shakes her head petulantly.) 
% * 

Louise, .you mean — he refused a lady? 

Betty. Yes ! Even though I offered to make a fair 
exchange ! 

Louise. What do you mean? 

Betty (coyly). Well, that would have depended on 
what he thought I meant. (Angrily.) But he didn't 
care what I meant ! 

Louise. Oh! (After a moment's thought.) Never 
mind ! I'll avenge you ! I'll get the rose ! 

Betty (changing suddenly; very sarcastic). Oh! 
You will? 

Louise (moving toward the door). You just watch I 
I'll get it ! 

Betty (with intentional sweetness). Well, maybe so. 
Age before beauty! 

(She turns her hack; Louise makes a gesture of mock 
despair, and goes out into the garden. Betty stamps 
her foot, and starts to go; Mrs. Carr enters front l.) 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 35 

Mrs. Carr. Well, Betty, are you going to motor over 
with us? I think there'll be room. 

Betty. I should say so! I'm not going to stay here! 
Mother, whatever induced you to invite that horrid Mr. 
Ash? 

Mrs. Carr. Why — er — business reasons, my dear! 

Betty. Oh! And who is this Miss Walker? 

Mrs. Carr. A friend of Cousin Emily's. Why, dear 
— don't you think she's nice ? 

Betty {angrily). I should say not! She's a cat! 
But I don't care ! 

{She tosses her head and goes out back r.) 

Mrs. Carr. But Betty, dear, what ? 

{She follows her to the door; pauses, looks at the safe, 
then goes up the stairs. After a moment the door 
front L. opens, and Neewah enters, leaving the door 
open. He crosses the stage, pauses in front of the 
safe, and looks at it; scratches his head; turns facing 
the audience; scratches his head; turns back to the 
safe; scratches his head again; steps forward and 
places his hand on the mirror; tries pushing it in 
either direction; examines it closely. Stone enters 
front L., and sees Neewah investigating the safe. 
A smile of triumph comes over his face; he advances 
shaking his finger accusingly.) 

Stone. Now I've got you — you heathen ! 

Neewah {twirling around, and summoning a sweet 
smile). Yes? 

Stone. You yellow peril! So, you're a crook, eh? 

Neewah. No ! 

Stone. Thought you'd lift that necklace, eh? I 
knew it, the minute I set eyes on you ! Now just come 
along with me, and don't make a rumpus ! 

{He takes out a pair of handcuffs. Neewah looks 
at them and nods in recognition.) 

'Neewah {pointing at handcuffs). Yes! {Waves his 
arms and shouts.) Noiter! Noiter! Soconoiter! 



36 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Stone. Now don't try to get fresh ! 
Neewah (jumping up and down). Noiter — soco 
noiter ! Ishinoo ! 

(He dashes at Stone, who retreats.) 

Stone. Oh, you will, eh! (He draws a revolver.) 
Now come along ! (He advances.) 

Neewah. Yes! (He smiles sweetly; Stone comes 
nearer.) No! (He holds out his hands to be cuffed.) 

Stone. There, that's right ! 

Neewah (suddenly waving his arms). Noiter — noiter 
— soco noiter! (Stone halts, and drops back.) Noiter — 
soco noiter! (Neewah utters a wild whoop, and draws 
a long, curved, ugly looking knife from under his coat, 
and brandishing it in the air rushes at Stone, whooping 
loudly; Stone flies in terror.) Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya ! 
(He dashes across the stage ; when he comes to the door- 
way back R., he dodges behind the curtain, then sticks his 
head out; smiles divinely, and says in a gentle, cooing 
voice.) Ishinoo! 

(He disappears up the stairs. Stone mops his brow, 
puts away the handcuffs and revolver. He goes to 
the telephone, picks it up, then puts it down; crosses 
to the safe ; after trying for a minute he finds the 
spring; the mirror slides to one side; his face lights 
up; after looking all around, he begins to deftly twirl 
the knob of the lock. A cough is heard off r., then 
the handle of the door turns; Stone has barely time 
to slide the mirror to when Carr enters front R.) 

Carr. Oh — it's you, eh? 

Stone. Yes, s^r! 

Carr. Seems to me I heard an awful racket here a 
minute ago ! 

Stone. Oh, no, sir — not in here ! 

Carr. Mm-m-m-m ! Oh — I say — you're the detective 
my wife brought out, aren't you? 

Stone. Yes, sir. 

Carr. Oh, yes, yes ! Well, I'm very glad you're here. 
It makes me feel much safer. ( Under his breath.) You 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 37 

know Mrs. Peckham's gone off and left her damn neck- 
lace here! 

Stone. You don't say so ! 

Carr. Yes ! It's here — in this very room ! Over 
there in the safe. Now I've been thinking it over, and it 
seems to me that it would be an excellent idea if I were 
to — just as a precaution, you know — if I were to — you 
see, it's quite a responsibility, quite a responsibility — as I 
was saying, it would be an excellent idea if I were to give 
you the combination of the safe! (Stone collapses.) 
Don't you think it would be an excellent idea ? 

Stone. Yes — I do ! 

Carr. It would be terrible, you know, if anything 
should happen to that necklace ! 

Stone. Oh, terrible ! 

Carr. You see, it's a celebrated one, quite celebrated, 
and simply couldn't be replaced ! 

Stone. Of course not — of course not! Uh — have 
you any idea — how much it is worth ? 

Carr {under his breath). About a quarter of a 
million! (Stone gasps.) So we must keep it under 
close guard! 

Stone. Yes — it would be most unfortunate if some 
unscrupulous person should get hold of it ! 

Carr. Of course — and that is why I think I'd better 
give you the combination — just so that you can take a 
look at it now and then — to be sure it's still there ! 

Stone. It would be better if I could keep my eye on 
it, sir ! 

Carr. Of course — of course! Now the combina- 
tion (He lowers his voice again.) The combina- 
tion is, — let me see (He thinks hard.) I have such 

a bad memory — and it's such a long one — seven numbers. 
I insisted on seven, because it's a lucky number — let me 

see (After a moment's hard thinking.) Ah, yes — 

four to the left— nine to the right (Stone is trem- 
bling with excitement.) Yes, that's it! Four to the 
left— nine to the right — seven to the left — (Stone in his 
agitation begins unconsciously to rock the rocking-chair, 
beside which he is standing) eleven to the right— four to 



38 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

the — no, five — to the — no, it is four — to the left, ten to 
the — now let's see, is it four — or five? I can't quite 

remember — four — five {He suddenly sees Stone, 

who is rocking the chair to and fro excitedly; he utters 
a wild cry of warning.) Look out — look out ! Don't do 
that! 

Stone. What — what? 

Carr. Don't — stop it! There! (He drags Stone 
away. ) Don't you know it's terribly bad luck to rock an 
empty rocking-chair? 

Stone. No — I didn't! 

Carr. Well, never do it again, or something terrible 
will happen ! ( Walks away, mopping his brow. ) Dear, 
dear, dear! (He starts out front r.) 

Stone. But how about the combination — you didn't 
finish. 

Carr. No, I can't finish now. It would be bad luck. 

Stone. But — but with such a valuable necklace — it 
would be so much safer — really, sir — it's your duty. 

Carr. You're right — it's my duty — yes, yes ! Well, 
let's see — four to the left — nine to the right — seven to 
the left — eleven to the right — (Stone backs against the 
rocking-chair; sees what it is, starts violently, shoving it 
away from him, which only causes it to begin rocking 

again) four to the left (He looks up and sees the 

chair moving, and Stone making a frantic effort to stop 
it; utters a hozvl of rage and terror.) You're doing it 
again ! You idiot ! 

Stone. But — but ! 

Carr. Go away — stop it ! 

Stone. But 

Carr. Go away! Go away! Down-stairs — quick! 
You're discharged! Go away! (He drives Stone be- 
fore him out front l. ; comes back, looks at chair, groans; 
then looks about on the floor until he finds a pin.) Ah ! 

(He picks up the pin triumphantly, puts it in his lapel; 
gives a sigh of relief, and goeS'Out front r. After a 
moment Asii strolls in from the garden; he is wear- 
ing a red rose on the lapel of his coat, Louise fol- 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 39 

lows a moment later; evidently she has been quite 
baffled. Ash pays no attention to her, but sits down 
on table front r. ; picks up vase left by Mrs. Carr, 
and looks at it. Louise watches hifH, gravely shak- 
ing her head.) 

Louise. Still, I suppose you are of some use in the 
world ! 

Ash {uninterested) . What say? 

Louise. It's the occasional men like you who make 
life worth living for the chaperons. 

Ash {putting down the vase; speaking in an irritated 
tone of voice). Well, what of it? I don't see any use 
in chaperons ! 

Louise {shaking her head). No — you wouldn't! 

Ash. Why should a girl be chaperoned? Isn't she 
supposed to have enough sense to take care of herself ? 

Louise. No. And she usually hasn't. 

Ash. Well, I think it's because she's chaperoned too 
much. Now, a man is never chaperoned — and men never 
get into trouble. 

Louise. Never get into trouble? Oh, dear! 

{She looks very incredulous.) 

Ash. I mean, they're never at a loss how to behave 
with women. 

Louise. Oh ! Then you've always been closely 
chaperoned ? 

Ash. Why — what do you mean? 

Louise. Surely you don't esteem yourself a master 
hand with the fair sex? 

Ash. But I don't want to be ! 

Louise. Ah — a confirmed woman hater ! 

Ash. I didn't have to be confirmed. I was born that 
way. 

Louise. Then it isn't a deliberate achievement on your 
part? 

Ash {not following her). What? 

Louise. You can't claim a personal triumph? You 
can't boast that you're a self-made man ? 



40 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Ash (not understanding, and very much bored). I 
don't see what you mean. 

Louise. Of course you don't. {Rises and goes to 
him.) But never mind, I'm coming to the rescue! I'm 
going to give you a lesson. 

Asii. A lesson? 

Louise. A lesson in gallantry — and I'm a splendid 
teacher ! 

Ash. But — I don't v^ant to be gallant ! 

Louise. Ah — but you should. 

Ash. But I don't ! 

Louise. Young man, you have no idea v^hat a very 
useful thing gallantry is sometimes. Come, now — prom- 
ise to do exactly as I tell you. 

Ash. See here ! This is a foolish waste of time. 

Louise. Oh, no, it isn't! No, indeed! (She backs 
him, protesting, into a chair; shakes her finger at him.) 
And some day you'll thank me for taking all this trouble 
with you ! Now for the first lesson. To begin with, 
it's an absolute rule that you must give a girl anything 
she wants — that doesn't cost anything ! 

Ash (in surprise). But 

Louise. Yes, I know ! " Expense no object " is your 
motto — but it's all wrong. Giving a thing that costs 
nothing is an act of chivalry — anything else is a bribe. 

Ash. I don't see that! 

Louise. I suppose not ! Well, I'll demonstrate — by 
an example. For instance — I've taken a great fancy to 
that rose you're wearing. 

Ash (springing to his feet, and pointing an accusing 
finger at her) . No, you don't ! No, you don't ! 

Louise. Why — why 

Ash. I'm on! I know what's up! Miss Carr tried 
it a few minutes ago, only she wasn't so clever at it. 
But Fm wise. You girls have made a bet — and I was 
to be the goat. 

Louise. No, really. 

Ash. Oh, come — why not admit it? What were the 
stakes ? 

Louise (shaking her head). But you're wrong, en- 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 4I 

tirely wrong! Why, don't you know that women never 
bet with each other? 

Ash. Nonsense! Why not? 

Louise. Because all women know that a woman never 
pays a bet. 

Ash. Well, anyway, you must have some darn good 
reason for wanting this rose. Why, you're wearing some 
flowers now! {Points to her corsage bouquet.) 

Louise. But 

Ash. Then you surely don't need this one — and 
you're not going to get it. 

Louise. Oh — I'm not? 

Ash {firmly). No! {Turns his hack, walks away, 
and sits on edge of table front r.) And I guess we'd 
better call the gallantry lesson off. 

(Louise turns and walks away a few steps; Ash takes 
out a penknife and begins to manicure himself; 
Louise decides to start over, and turns; sees what hf 
is doing, and instantly becomes furious; stamps her 
foot, and goes out back l. ; a moment later the piano 
is heard violently banging at Chopin. The door 
front R. opens and Carr enters. He sees Ash busy 
with his nails and a look of anguish comes over his 
face.) 

Carr. Look out, look out! {He rushes to him and 
takes the knife away. ) Stop ! You mustn't ! 

{Gasps in his excitement.) 

Ash. Why — what on earth ? 

Carr {in a mysterious whisper). You must never cut 
your nails on Friday! If you do, it means you'll have 
the toothache for a week ! 

Ash. Nonsense ! 

Carr. Shhhhh ! Please — please ! {He starts looking 
around on the floor; Ash watches him in amazement.) 
Ah ! {Points on floor.) There — now pick that up ! 

Ash. What? 

Carr. That pin ! 

Ash. But ! 



42 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Carr. Go ahead! 

Ash. Well? {He picks up the pin.) 

Carr {heaving a sigh). Ahhhh ! Now you won't 
have the toothache ! 

Ash. Oh — I'm glad to hear it ! 

Carr. I was just looking for you. {Lowers his 
voice.) Mr. Ash, my wife tells me you're something of 
an amateur detective. 

Ash. Why — yes ! 

Carr. Ah — then you can help me! See {He 

crosses to safe, and slides panel.) In this safe is a 
valuable necklace — Mrs. Peckham's. Now I'm very 
much worried about it {closing panel) and I want to give 
you the combination — so that you can keep your eye 
on it! 

Ash. But why not keep your own eye on it? 

Carr {ominously) . Because something might happen 
to me! {Lowers his voice.) This morning I met a 
drove of pigs, and that always means some impending 
disaster ! 

Ash. Nonsense ! 

Carr. Shhhhh ! Don't joke about the hand of Fate I 

Ash. Well, if you think it safer • 

Carr. Yes, yes! I just consulted the cards, and it 
came diamonds and hearts twice. That means there is 
going to be a love affair mixed up with that necklace. 
Now you're not the sort to make a fool of yourself about 
a woman, eh? 

Ash {emphatically). Certainly not ! 

Carr. Good ! Now here's the combination — learn it, 
then destroy this paper. {Hands him a slip of paper.) 

Ash. Of course. 

Carr. Ah — now I feel easier! {Starts out; pauses.) 
But — you know, I'd feel absolutely safe if I knew that 
everything was auspicious ! Let me see ! ( Thinks a 
moment.) Ah — I have it ! The very thing ! {Turns to 
Ash, beaming.) Turn up your left trouser cuff. 

Ash. What? 

Carr. Go ahead! Go ahead! {Asti, mystified, does 
so.) Now hold up your left hand — over your head. 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 43 

(Ash does so; Carr picks up a chair, and places it be- 
fore him.) Now walk around that three times. 

Ash. See here, I 

Carr. Shhhh ! Look out ! Don't break the charm 
now it's started! That would be terribly bad luck! 

(He crosses his fingers of both hands, and nods 
vehemently to Ash to go ahead.) 

Ash. Well ! 

(Decides to humor him; walks around the chair three 
times. ) 

Carr (with a deep sigh). Ah! A^ow everything will 
be all right ! 

(Replaces chair, sighs contentedly, beams at Ash, and 
goes out front r. Ash looks after him; shakes his 
head; turns down his irouser cuff. Takes the slip 
of paper out of his pocket, and looks at it a moment, 
then tears it up; looks fixedly at the safe; scratches 
his head; is obviously a prey to curiosity. Finally 
he goes to the safe, slides the panel, and begins to 
twirl the combination. The sound of the piano in 
the next room, which has been faintly heard through 
the preceding scene, ceases. Ash finishes the com- 
bination, and tries to open the door; it does not open. 
He starts the combination again. The door back l. 
opens, and Louise comes in very quietly. She sees 
Ash, and starts back in surprise. She watches him 
for a moment, then cries in a sharp voice.) 

Louise. What are you doing? 

Ash (turning in confusion; closing panel). Why — 
why 

Louise (accusingly). You were trying to find the 
combination. 

Ash. I wasn't ! I know it already 

Louise. You know the combination? 

Ash. Mr. Carr gave it to me. 

Louise. Why ? 

Ash. Because — because — none of your business ! 



44 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Louise. I don't believe you! I'm going to scream 
for help ! 

Ash {excitedly). No — no ! 

Louise. If you're innocent, why are you afraid? 

Ash {lamely). Well — I don't want the servants to 
know that — that 

Louise. Know what? 

Ash. Oh, the devil ! Why don't you ask Mr. Carr — 
he's in the library. 

Louise. No ! I'm going to make a scene ! 

Ash. No — please ! 

Louise. Yes — I'm going to scream for help. 

Ash {cofning to her, imploringly). No — you mustn't. 

Louise. Yes, I will. 

Ash. No ! 

Louise. Yes ! I'm going to scream ! 

{She has worked herself up to an appearance of great 
excitement and fear, almost to the point of hysteria. ) 

Ash. No — no ! 

Louise. I'm going to scream — I'm going to scream — 
{suddenly letting down; very calmly) unless — you give 
me that rose ! 

Ash. What? 

Louise. That rose — give it to me. 

Ash. But {He is a little dazed.) 

Louise. Give it to me — quick — or I'll scream. 

Ash {not yet awake; fumbling at the rose). 
Why ? 

Louise. Quick! Give it to me! (Ash hands her 
the rose; she takes it and runs part way across the stage; 
pauses, and looks hack at him; he realizes what she has 
done, and a furious look comes over his face; she giggles, 
and begins to pick the petals from the rose.) He loves 
me — he loves me not — he loves me 

{She hursts into triumphant laughter, and runs out 
back L. ; the piano breaks forth into a gay, mocking 
ragtime. Ash stamps his foot in anger, and starts 
to go; Mrs. Carr appears hack r., dressed for 
motoring.) 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 45 

Mrs. Carr. Dear Mr. Ash ! 

Asii. Yes, Mrs. Carr? 

Mrs. Carr. I'm sure you won't mind if we borrow 
your car for a few minutes? Mrs. Peckham has ours, 
and we must run over to my sister's for the rest of the 
guests. 

Ash. Certainly — certainly. Don't you want me to 
drive you over? 

Mrs. Carr. Oh, no, I drive very well — and you 
mustn't go av/ay for a moment. 

{She nods toward the safe.) 

Ash. Of course ! I'll get the car out for you. 

(Mrs. Carr starts dozvn r. ; pauses.) 

Mrs. Carr. Oh, dear, Emily's umbrella — I left it up- 
stairs. {She starts hack r.) 

Ash. No — no — let me get it. 

Mrs. Carr. It's right at the head of the stairs. Call 
to Betty. 

Ash {at the foot of the stairs). It's all right — here's 
Neewah ! Neewah — catchee brolly — there, that's it ! 
All right ! 

{He crosses stage and goes out of French zvindow.) 

Mrs. Carr {opening library door). Come, Ste- 
phen — ! 

Carr {off r.). Yes, my dear! (Mrs. Carr goes off 
after Ash. Neewah comes down-stairs carrying um- 
brella. As he gets half-way across stage Carr enters 
front R.) Here! What are you doing with that 
umbrella ? 

Neewah {pausing). Yes? 

Carr. What are you doing with that umbrella? It 
isn't raining. 

Neewah. No? {Points at umbrella.) 

Carr. Yes, that umbrella ! 

Neewah. Oh — yes! {Starts to open it.) 

Carr {in terror). Don't open it! Don't open it! 

Neewah. No? 



46 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Carr. No! (Lowers his voice.) It's the worst luck 
in the world ! 

{He points heavenward, and shakes his head sadly.) 

Neewah (looking upward, thinks he comprehends). 
Oh — yes! (With a quick movement he opens the um- 
brella, and holds it out to Carr, smiling triumphantly.) 
No? 

Carr (roaring). Look out! Idiot! (He snatches 
the umbrella, and closes it.) Go away! Go away! 
Wahhhhhhh ! (He waves his arms at Neewah.) 

Neewah (backing away). Yes! No! 

(He takes hold of the rocking-chair, and begins to rock 
it back and forth. Carr howls at him.) 

Carr. Stop it ! Stop it ! 

(He makes for him, brandishing the umbrella. Nee- 
wah dodges and runs to entrance back r.) 

Neewah (over his shoulder). No! 

(He runs upstairs. Carr gets his breath; thinks hard 
for a moment; puts the umbrella down gingerly; 
turns up his coat and trouser cuffs; brings forward a 
chair; then with both hands held over his head he 
starts walking backward around the chair. In the 
middle of it Mrs. Carr enters.) 

Mrs. Carr. What on earth? (Impatiently.) Stephen 
Carr, stop that nonsense and come along! The car's 
waiting. (She picks up the umbrella and goes to the 
door.) Now hurry! 

Carr. Yes, my dear! (He waits till she has gone, 
then furtively finishes his incantation. Replaces the 
chair, turns down his cuffs, and starts out. Betty comes 
down the stairs; Carr turns and sees her.) Hurry, my 
dear, hurry ! You're keeping us all waiting ! 

(He goes out.) 
Betty. Yes, father! 

(She follows him. A moment later the sound of the 
piano off l. ceases, Edwards enters; goes quickly 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 47 

to French window; the auiomohile starts; he returns 
to entrance front l., and goes out; a moment later 
he returns.) 

Edwards {calling off l.). Careful, there! Careful! 
(Stone enters, carrying a heavy load of collapsible card 
tables.) All right — put them down. 

(Stone drops them with a crash on his own foot.) 

Stone. Owwww ! 

Edwards. Shut up, you fool ! Now, go find out 
where the guests are; I have some messages from Mrs. 
Carr. Now hurry! I'll be back in a moment. {He 
goes out front l. Stone glares after him, then starts to 
cross stage zvearily; sees the whiskey and soda, and his 
face lights up. He pours himself one drink, then another, 
then another. His courage and happiness increase visibly. 
As he starts to pour another the handle of the door l. 
rattles, and he drops the glass hastily as Edwards enters.) 
Well, did you do as I told you ? 

Stone {cheerfidly). Oh, yes ! 

Edwards. Well, where's Mr. Ash, and Miss Walker? 

Stone. There — in the library. {Points R.) 

Edw^ards. And the Jap ? 

Stone. Oh, he's gone to bed. 

Edwards. All right. Now get out! Cook's got a 
lot of pans for you to scrub. Hurry! {At the mention 
of cook Stone's face drops, and he goes out front l, 
slowly and gloomily. As soon as he is gone Edwards 
locks the door after him, crosses R. and locks the 
library door; goes to box seat in hallway and takes 
out a small box-shaped instrument, and starts unwind- 
ing a wire from it; crosses to switch, and switches 
out the lights; a moment later a hand search-light is 
flashed on the safe ; he slides the panel open, and starts 
connecting the wires; the handle of the door back l. 
rattles; the light on the safe disappears as the door opens; 
Louise enters, closing the door after her; the lights are 
turned on, disclosing Edwards crouching by the safe, 
revolver in hand, and Louise standing with her hand on 
the light switch back l. ; she gives a slight gasp, and turns 



48 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

out the lights again; the stage is in total darkness except 
for the broad patch of bluish light made by the moon- 
light showing through the French zvindow.) Get away 
from that door. 

Louise. Don't move ! Don't dare move ! 

Edwards. Get away from that door! (Suddenly 
Louise's silhouette is seen against the moonlit zvindow; 
she has seized one of the chairs standing beside the door, 
and now hurls it through the dark tozvard the safe; there 
is a crash, and a cry of pain.) Damn you 

{There is a pistol shot from the direction of the safe, 
then another, just as Louise is seen to throw another 
chair; there is a crash and a groan, then silence. 
After a moment Louise switches on the lights; Ed- 
wards is lying in a heap on the floor by the safe. 
She moves slowly toward him, frightened. There 
commences a violent knocking on the door front L. 
as Asii comes dashing in from the garden and Nee- 
WAH appears from upstairs.) 

Ash. What's the matter? What's up? (Edwards 
struggles to his feet, stoops and picks up the revolver, and 
is about to aim it, when Neewah, appearing behind him, 
knocks it from his hand.) No, you don't! That's the 
idea, Neewah ! 

(He picks up the revolver, and covers Edwards, while 
Neewah hastily goes through his pockets. Louise 
goes to door front l., and unlocks it. Stone enters.) 

Stone. What Is it? 

Ash. a thief — let's have your handcuffs. 

Stone (sees who it is, and his face lights up). Ah! 

(Stone crosses to Edwards and handcuffs him. Ash 
turns to Louise.) 

Ash. Now — tell us what happened ? 

Louise. Why — I came in, and foimd the lights turned 
off — and when I turned them on, there he was — by the 
safe, holding a revolver — so I switched off the lights 
again, and threw a chair at him. 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 49 

Ash. What ? 

Louise. And he shot at me — twice. So I threw an- 
other chair at him — and — and got him. Then I turned 
1 up the hghts — then you came. 
' Ash. W-w-why ? 

Stone (examining the safe). Look — he's got his 
holes bored and everything! Must have done it weeks 
ago. It's a long job. All he had to do was connect the 
wires. (Follows wires out to hall, and holds up the 
generator.) See, all he had to do was to push this 
plunger, and the trick was turned ! 

Ash. Great Scott! VVh-what shall we do? 

Stone. Do? Leave this for the police to see, and 
take this fresh guy to the coop. 

Ash. Yes, yes, of course! You and Neewah take 
him — I'll stay here and stand guard. 

Stone. Sure ! Come along, now ! (He gives Ed- 
wards' arm a vicious yank.) Hurry, now — beat it! 

(As Edwards goes out the door Stone administers a 
skilfid kick; he and Neewah follow him out. Ash 
is examining the safe; Louise sits down on the edge 
of a chair for a moment; passes her hand over her 
face as though still a little dazed; then rises, and 
starts to go.) 

Ash. I say — don't go — wait. 

Louise. Why! (She pauses.) 

Ash (coming to her; seizing her by the arm). I — 
I (Vigorously pointhlank.) Will you marry me? 

Louise (starting hack, gasping). Why — why, no — I 
don't think so. 

Ash. Don't think ! I don't want you to think ! Did 
you think just now when you were throwing chairs at 
that chap? Well, don't think now — just come ahead and 
get married ! 

Louise. But — but this is so sudden ! 

Ash. Yes ! I like sudden things — they mean busi- 
ness ! Do it now ! Strike while the iron's hot ! Obey 
that impulse! He who hesitates is lost! Eventually; 
why not now? 



50 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Louise. But — but you're a woman-hater — a con- 
firmed, professional woman-hater! 

Aspi. But I don't hate you ! 

Louise. You did a minute ago ! 

Ash. But I don't now — really I don't! 

Louise (curtseying). Thank you! 

Ash. I think you're the nerviest girl in the world ! 

Louise. And that's enough to make you want to 
marry me ? 

Ash. You bet it is! 

Louise. I suppose it would take a lot of nerve to 
marry you ! 

Ash. I don't see that. 

Louise. To marry a man whose only hobby is excite- 
ment ? 

Ash. But it isn't ! I go in for a lot of other things, 
golf — tennis — polo. 

Louise. Oh, yes ! All . those nice, domestic things ! 
Don't you indulge in any indoor sports — like — like 
Brahms, for instance? 

Ash. Like who ? 

Louise. Or Strauss — he's quite exciting! 

Ash. I don't get you. 

Louise. You see, it wouldn't work. I'm not very 
much interested in your hobbies, and you're not at all 
interested in mine. You — you don't even know who 
they are! I — I'm afraid you'd better stick to playing — 
detective ! 

Ash (in astonishment). Playing detective? Why — 
how do you know that? 

Louise. Oh, I know a lot of things ! 

(He looks at her, puzzled.) 

Ash. Well — I'll admit I like excitement, but — but 
after what you just did, I've lost all interest in anything 
except — except you. 

Louise. Even in your — gun collection ? 

Ash. My ! Who told you I had one ? 

Louise (laughing gaily). You know, I'm really a 
very timid, nervous person— I don't think I could stand 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 5 1 

living in the same house with over three hundred imple- 
ments of destruction ! 

Ash. Well— I'll sell the collection ! 

Louise. Oh, no! I'm sure you wouldn't feel safe 
without it. 

Asii. Safe? With you around I'd feel safe in a den 
of lions ! 

Louise. Heavens ! Am I as terrible as that ? 

Ash. No — I didn't mean 

Louise. Of course not! You meant Fd play the 
piano to them. " Music hath charms." 

Ash {abruptly; with deadly earnestness). See here! 
You're laughing at me! That's not fair. I think you. 
might be serious. It's mighty serious to me ! 

Louise {changing her manner; gently hut firmly). 
Then I will be serious. You think you want me to marry 
you — because it's the conventional question to ask a girl 
you admire. But — but you really don't want me. Not 
one bit. 

Ash. Why do you say that? 

Louise. Because if you really wanted to marry me — 
you'd be in love with me. 

Ash. But I am in love with you! 

Louise {slowly shaking her head) . No — because you 
don't know what love is. You don't know how to love, 
because you've never done it. You've never learned. 
{She pauses; places her hand on his arm.) And I am 
serious. And I do like the compliment you've paid me. 
It's the prettiest compliment a man can pay a woman. 
{Holds out her hand to him; gently.) Thank you. 

Ash {bewildered; takes her hand clumsily, then drops 
it). But — but — I want to learn how to be in love. Why 
can't Do you know how? 

Louise {a little embarrassed). I — I think so. 

Ash. Then why ? {Excitedly.) See here, I'll 

pay you a thousand dollars a day to teach me how to be 
in love. 

Louise. Why — what 

Ash. a little while ago you offered to teach me to be 
gallant. Well, now I take your offer — and add all the 



^2 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

rest — falling in love — writing love letters — what kind of 
flowers to send— how to propose— everything ! Here— 
I'll give you a check for your first week's salary ! 

(He takes out check book, sits down, and starts to 
write out a check.) 

Louise {her breath entirely gone). But — I — I 

Ash. Here. {He hands her the check.) 

Louise {wildly). No — no! I couldn't — really — I — 

I {Imploringly.) Oh, don't you understand? It 

isn't a thing that can be learned. It just happens ! 

Ash. But I tell you it has happened ! 

Louise {shaking her head; gravely). No — it hasn't. 
Because if it had, I'd feel it, — some way. And I don't 
feel — anything. 

Ash. You haven't any use for me? 

Louise. I didn't say that! I like you — truly I do — 
more than I would have thought possible. But I don't 
love you. And you don't love me. 

Ash {looking at her for a long time; quietly). Then — 
then good-bye! {He holds out his hand.) 

Louise {surprised and a little confused). Why — 
you're not going away. 

Ash. Yes — I can't stay now. 

Louise. Oh— but — but you mustn't. 

Ash. But I must. 

Louise {trying desperately for an excuse to keep him). 
Think — it — it would spoil Mrs. Carr's plans. 

Ash. Nonsense ! 

Louise. And — and the necklace — you mustn't leave it 
unprotected. 

Ash. I'll stay till Stone gets back. 

Louise. Stone? 

Ash. Yes — he's the real detective. 

Louise. Oh ! 

Ash. I'm simply his pupil. 

Louise. But — if anything happened while he was 
gone — you'd know what to do, wouldn't you ? 

Ash. I think so — you needn't be frightened. 

Louise. Oh, I wasn't frightened. 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 53 

Ash. Of course not ! I forgot ! (Holds out Ms 
hand. ) Well — good-bye ! 

Louise {after a pause). Good-bye ! 

(They shake hands. Ash stands for a moment ex- 
pectantly, as though zvaiting for her to go; she turns 
away, and calmly seats herself; he looks annoyed, 
and goes to the French window; pauses, and looks 
back; she does not notice him; he goes out. As soon 
as he is gone she springs to her feet, and goes to look 
after him; then returns, and stands in the center of 
the stage for some time, as though trying to make up 
her mind about something ; finally turns toward the 
safe, and looks at it; cocks her head on one side; 
then claps her hands together excitedly ; looks out of 
the French window, and quickly runs upstairs. The 
curtain on the hall doorway is half drawn, shutting 
off the view of the stairs. Ash enters, looks around, 
sees he is alone, sits down front l., and takes out a 
cigarette; lights it. The light on the stairway goes 
out. A moment later a hand comes from behind the 
hallway curtain, and feels around till it finds the 
switch; the lights go out, leaving the stage entirely 
dark except for the moonlight ; a moment later a 
loud explosion is heard from the direction of the 
safe. ) 

Ash. Hell ! 

{He is heard running across the stage, and then the 
lights flash on. Without stopping he flings aside the 
curtain and turns the switch lighting the stairway 
light; runs a few steps up, looking for signs of the 
thief. As the lights go on, the front of the safe is 
lying on the floor, and the inside of the safe is empty. 
Louise is crouched beside the table front r. ; as Ash 
turns and reenters the room she is just finishing the 
act of placing some object in her stocking; Ash sees 
this and comes toward her quickly. She straightens 
up and clasps her hands together excitedly.) 

Louise. What is it? What has happened? 



54 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Ash {looking at her keenly). I guess you know what 
has happened. 

Louise. What do you mean ? 

Ash {pointing at the safe). You don't know how 
that happened? 

Louise. Great Heavens ! The safe ! Mrs. Peck- 
ham's necklace ! 

Ash. Yes — it's gone. 

Louise. How terrible ! 

Ash. Yes. {Looks hard at her; she looks hack at 
him, and assumes an air of guilelessness.) What were 
you hiding a moment ago ? 

Louise. Hiding! What? Where? 

Ash. You were hiding something — in your stock- 
ing' 



Louise. In my ? 

Ash. Yes — what was it? 

Louise. I don't think it's any of your business. 

Ash. Yes it is. I came here to protect Mrs. Peck- 
ham's necklace 

Louise. Why ! You don't suspect me of stealing it ? 

Ash. You're the only person here, except myself. 

Louise. Why — I wasn't even in the room ! 

Ash. Where were you? 

Louise. In the library. {Points r.) I heard the ex- 
plosion — and came to see what was the matter. 

Ash. And what were you hiding? 

Louise. Hiding? I wasn't hiding anything. I — I 
was frightened — and — and looked to see if — if something 
was safe. 

Ash {in a relentless tone). What? 

Louise {looking at him defiantly for a moment, then 
producing a roll of hills from her stocking; holding it 
toward him). Now do you believe me? 

(Ash looks at her uncertainly; turns and looks at the 
safe; she places the hills in the hosom of her dress. 
Ash sees this, and makes a quick movement indi- 
cating a realization that there are a number of places 
ahout her person where Louise coidd hide things.) 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 55 

Ash {looking at her sharply). How much money is 
there there ? 

Louise {quickly). Ninety-six dollars | 
Ash. Let me count it. 

(Louise hands him the roll; he counts it; returns it to 
her with a crestfallen air. Louise takes the hills and 
places them in her dress triumphantly, then turns 
on him furiously.) 

Louise. And now I want to tell you that I think you 
have grossly insulted me! 

Ash {taken aback) . I'm sorry. 

Louise. And I demand a complete vindication ! 

Ash. Well— I 

Louise. I insist upon being searched. 

Ash. But 

Louise. You*re going to search me — thoroughly. 
My reputation is at stake. 

Ash. Wh-why 

Louise {going to him, holding up her arms). Go 
ahead! Search me! I demand that you search me — 
thoroughly. 

Ash. Uh— I— I 

Louise. Search me. Go ahead. Search me. 

Ash. I — I {Explosively.) I won't do it. 

Louise. Well! I just guess you'd better not! 

{She glares at him, turns, and stalks majestically out 
of the room and upstairs. Ash follows her to the 
door; sees safe ; examines it; replaces door on hinges, 
and slides panel; except that the mirror is broken, it 
looks as though nothing had happened. Ash winds 
up the wire, and places generator on shelf. Comes 
forward looking about in a puzzled way; goes to door 
front R., and tries to open it; it is locked; he utters 
an exclamation of surprise; turns quickly and looks 
at stairs. Sits on table and starts to think hard. 
Absent-mindedly picks up vase; as he moves it he 
hears something; with a quick movement he looks 
into the vase; his expression indicates that the neck- 
lace is there. He puts down the vase, and crosses to. 



56 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

the center of the stage; paces up and down for a 

moment. Louise's shadow suddenly appears on the 

zvall by the stairs; she is obviously standing at the 

head of the staircase. Ash sees the shadow, and 

pauses abruptly. He turns to the telephone; picks 

it up; on second thought puts it down; sits by it, and, 

keeping his eye on the shadow, carries on a bogus 

conversation.) . 

Ash. Hello — central? Give me the Florence House. 

Hello — Florence House? I want to speak to Mr. 

Trask — yes. Hello — Trask? Say, I'm up against it — I 

must see you — at once ! No, no — it's only a ten minutes' 

walk— you'd make it quicker. I'll meet you half-way — 

now hurry. 

{He picks up the telephone, and sets it down with a 
' bang; walks rapidly to the French window, and out; 
as he almost disappears from sight he turns and looks 
over his shoidder. For a moment there is no sign 
of life; then the shadow grows larger; Louise comes 
down the stairs. Moving rapidly and noiselessly she 
goes to the French window and looks out; then 
crosses to door front r. and unlocks it. She then 
strolls unconcernedly to the table, and carelessly 
places her hand on the vase. As she does so, Stone 
enters through French window. She steps away 
from the table, and watches him. He starts out l. ; 
sees card tables, scowls at them, then picks one up 
and starts opening the legs preparatory to setting 
it up.) 
Louise {after a moment' s hesitation). Stone. 
Stone. Yes, miss? 

Louise. Would you please get me a glass of water? 
Stone. Yes, miss. 

{He goes out front l. Louise starts to place her hand 
on the vase, when Neewah enters through the 
French window. She steps away from the table. 
Neewah looks at her, smiles benignly, and starts 
across stage. Sees the broken mirror, pauses, looks 
at it, scratches his head, then goes out and upstairs. 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 57 

Louise lays her hand on the vase; Stone enters with 
a tray and a small glass of water.) 

Louise (stepping forward). Oh — thank you. (She 
takes the glass; he hows, turns, places the tray on small 
table L., and starts to arrange tables again. Louise looks 
at him zvith annoyance; starts to drink the glass of water, 
hut finds it a Jiard job to finish it; finally she gets it all 
down; indicates by a gidp that it has been a tremendous 
effort, then holds out the empty glass to Stone. The 
sound of an approaching automobile is heard.) Stone. 

Stone. Yes, miss? 

Louise. Would — would you please get me another 
glass of water? The excitement made me quite thirsty. 

Stone (glaring at her, puts table down very de- 
liberately, gets tray, and crosses to her gloomily). Yes, 
miss. 

(She places the glass on the tray, and he goes out front 
L. very slowly. The automobile has approached 
rapidly, and now stops just outside. The sound of 
voices is heard, and just as Louise once more places 
her hand on the vase, Mrs. Carr aitd Betty enter 
accompanied by two young men and two young girls, 
in evening dress and carrying suit-cases, all chatter- 
ing away ftdl speed. ) 

Mrs. Carr. Ah — dear Miss Walker ! I do hope you 
haven't been lonely. 

Louise. Oh, no — not at all ! 

Mrs. Carr. I want you to meet these young people. 
Miss Carter, Miss Walker — Miss Howard — and Mr. 
Evans — and Mr. Corbin — Miss Walker. (The guests 
bow in turn, and Louise bows in response.) Such a 
delightful ride we had — the moonlight is so lovely — 
^ve 

Enter Stone front l., carrying on his tray an enormous 
glass of water, at least six inches high. The guests 
gaze at him in astonishment ; Louise gasps, but pulls 
herself together, and smiles sweetly. 

Louise. Oh, thank you. Stone. (She steps forward; 



58 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

as she does so she drops her corsage bouquet; she stoops 
to pick it up, and utters an exclamation.) Ah — my poor 

flowers ! See how wilted they are ! Here {She 

takes the glass, pours the water into the vase, and places 
the bouquet in it; picks up the vase and places it on 
Stone's tray.) Take them to my room, please — wait, 
here's the key. 

(Stone takes the key, and goes out and upstairs.) 

Mrs. Carr. Well, I must show you all to your rooms. 
We'll be down presently. Miss Walker. Come along, all 
of you. 

(She hustles them upstairs, leaving Louise alone on 
the stage. She stands facing the audience for a 
moment, her face expressing mingled excitement and 
relief; then she turns, and comes face to face with 
Ash, zvho has entered silently from the garden.) 

Ash. Hello ! I was just looking for you. 

Louise {backing away). Indeed? 

Ash. Yes. I wanted to speak to you alone. 

Louise. Really? Well, what do you want of me? 

Ash. I want something you have. 

Louise. Something — that I have? Something of 
yours ? 

Ash. No — but I want it. 

Louise. But really — I don't know what you mean. 

Ash. I'm sorry — I think you do know what I mean — 
and I'm afraid I must insist ! 

Louise. Have you — any right to insist? 

Ash. Yes. 

Louise {her face brightening zvith an idea). Oh! 
Really ! And — must I give you what you want — now ? 

Ash. Yes. 

Louise {shaking her head coyly). You Couldn't 

you wait? 

Ash. No. 

{There is a long pause, and Louise seems to be decid- 
ing some momentous question.) 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 59 

Louise (m a tone of happy resignation). Then 

Yes. 

Ksii {in blank surprise). Yes? 

Louise {turning to him; radiantly). Yes! 

{She holds out her arms to his; he looks at her dumbly.) 

Ash {after a moment of amazement). Why — what 
do you mean by " yes " ? 

Louise. Why — why, the opposite of " no." 

Ash. But — but — that's not what I wanted. 

Louise {piqued). Indeed! Did you want me to 
say " no " ? 

Ash {completely flabbergasted). Want you to say? 
{Brusquely.) See here, are you trying to make a fool 
out of me? 

Louise {with sudden fury). I try to make a fool out 
of youf Certainly not! But it looks very much as 
though you were trying to make one of me. 

Ash {taken unawares; greatly confused). Why — 
why, what on earth do you mean ? 

Louise {speaking very rapidly, and throwing the words 
right in his face). Simply that when I consent to give a 
man a definite answer half an hour after he's proposed, 
I don't like him to try to play any practical jokes! So 
I'll change my answer, and make it "no " — a very 
definite " no " ! {She starts to go.) 

Ash {dashing after her, and bringing her down c. 
again). But — but see here — please. I — I didn't mean 
that at all. I'm sorry. I— I was thinking of something 
entirely different. I had no idea that you thought I 
was asking for — for an answer ! 

Louise. Oh! I suppose you'd forgotten that you'd 
proposed. 

Ash. You bet I hadn't! It was the one thing that 
was worrying me. 

Louise. Oh ! But you didn't seem very much inter- 
ested when I told you I'd decided— and in your favor, 
too ! 

Ash {completely mixed up). But hang it all — 1 
didn't {He pauses, done up.) 



60 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Louise (seeing her chance; suddenly softening; with 
an impulsive movement of the hands). I know! I'm 
sorry — truly I am! Of course, you have so much on 
your mind to-night — with every one so excited — and all 
of them depending on you. I am sorry. Will you 
forgive me? 

Ash. Why — why — of course. 

Louise. And — will you accept my answer? 

{She places her hands on his shoulders, and gazes at 
him expectantly.) 

Ash {utterly dazed). Accept? Why — yes. 

{She starts to put her arms around his neck; Stone 
appears descending the stairs. They separate, and 
stand looking at him as he comes down stage.) 

Stone. Here, miss. {He hands her a key.) 
Louise. Oh — thank you. (Stone goes out front l. ; 
as he disappears, Louise turns toward Asii, and starts 
to put her arms around his neck.) Dearest! (Ash 
takes her hands in his, and in a second is in possession of 
the key. He slips it into his pocket, as Louise steps 
quickly away from him. ) Oh ! Please ! 

{She holds out her hand; he takes it in both of his.) 

Ash {in a quiet, low voice). Well? 

Louise. My key? 

Ash. Oh, don't bother, — it's safe. 

Louise. But please — I want it. Please I 

Ash. Oh, very well. {He takes two keys out of his 
pocket, and gazes at them, perplexed.) The deuce! 
Now, which one is yours — and which is mine? 

{He holds them out.) 

Louise. Why? {She pauses, looks intently at the 
keys, then suddenly seizes them both.) I'll just run 
up-stairs and see ! 

{She starts for stairs, walking backward, with her 
hands held behind her back.) 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 6l 

Ash (making a quick move to the doorzvay). Wait! 
Please ! (He blocks her way.) 

Louise {pausing). I won't be a second. 

Ash {deliberately). Well — all right. And while 
you're there, you might bring me a flower from your 
room, — a sweet pea — there are some there, I think — in a 
little blue vase. 

Louise {looking at him searchingly, then slowly nod- 
ding her head). You win ! 

{She goes upstairs. Ash takes out a time-table, and 
looks at it, then lights a cigarette. Louise reap- 
pears, and silently hands him the necklace.) 

Ash. Now pack a suit-case, and meet me here in 
ten minutes. {She nods, starts to go, then pauses.) 
We're going on a little trip — to New York. 

Louise. To — to headquarters? 

Ash. Yes. 

Louise. All right. But — will you answer me one 
question — truthfully ? 

Ash. Well? 

Louise. Did you — really want to marry me? 

Ash {after a pause). Did you really throw those 
chairs at Edwards? 

Louise. Yes. 

Ash. Then I really wanted to marry you! (She 
looks at him for a moment, then laughs happily, and 
runs upstairs. Ash watches her till she is out of sight, 
then looks at the necklace; slips it into his inside breast 
pocket. As he does so Neewah enters and starts across 
stage. ) Neewah ! 

Neewah {halting). Yes? 

AsEi. Pack my things — all of them — and bring them 
here quick ! x\nd tell Stone I want to see him ! I'll be 
in the library. 

Neewaei {nodding affirmatively). No! 

{He goes quickly out front l. Ash goes out front r. 
A moment later Neewah reappears, and starts 
across stage. Trask enters through French win- 
dow, sees Neewah, and calls to him.) 



62 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Trask. Here, you! CNeewau turns.) Oh, it's you, 
eh? Well, Where's Eddie? 

Neewah (grinning at him). Yes? 

Trask. I said where's Oh, the devil ! Here, 

go catchee Mlista Stone, quick, see ? 

Neewah (still grinning). No! 

Trask. You squint-eyed freak ! Velly klick — catchee 
butler — pie-faced mutt namee Stone — see? 

Neewah. Yes ! 

Trask. Well, hurry up, you benighted heathen ! 

Neewah. No ! 

Trask." You yellow devil ! Hey ! Catchee my 
fiend — guy with the flat face — hurry up — velly klick — 
you lowlife! 

Neewah (still grinning.) Yes? No? 

(He blows Trask a kiss, and runs lightly upstairs. 
Trask shakes his fist after him. Stone enters 
front L.) 

Trask. Oh, there you are ! Now, get busy ! We've 
got to work fast! Where's the safe? 

Stone. In this room — all wired and ready. Have 
you got a car? 

Trask. No — we'll take his — it's there. Come ahead, 
show me the safe. 

Stone. Here. 

(He leads the way to the safe, and slides the panel; 
the door of the safe falls forzuard; Stone catches 
hold of it and prevents it from falling; they see the 
safe is empty.) 

Trask, Damnation ! 

Stone. They've pulled the job already! 

Trask. Who? 

Stone. Search me ! 

Trask. Stung! 

Stone. That's our luck! Always. 

Trask. Shut up! (He slides the panel back.) Now 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 63 

wait! Let me think. (After a moment.) Ah ! 

Where's Ash ? 

Stone, In the hbrary. (Points.) He just sent for 
me. 

Trask. Who's in the house ? 

Stone. Lot of guests. 

Trask. Suppose they've left any sparklers lying 
around loose? 

Stone. Sure ! They're all unpacking. 

Trask (seizing Stone by the arm). Here! Go up 
and get your hands on a couple of small pieces — rings or 
brooches — something of Mrs. Carr's if you can — and 
bring them down here quick. 

Stone. But what? 

Trask. Don't argue! I'm the brains of this firm! 
Now hustle! (Stone goes out up stairway. Trask 
takes out revolver, examines it, puts it in his pocket. 
Mr. Carr enters through French window, carrying a 
horseshoe in each hand.) Ah! Mr. Carr ! 

Carr. Eh ? Oh, how do you do ! You're the other 
detective, aren't you? 

Trask. Yes. (Takes Carr's arm; very solemnly.) 
Mr. Carr, I regret to say that I have very bad news 
for you. 

Carr (frightened). Bad news? You — you 

(Trask turns toward the safe; Carr looks.) Ah-h-h-h ! 
It's happened. It's happened. They've broken a mirror. 
I knew it, I knew it ! 

Trask. But what? 

Carr (trembling). Seven years' bad luck! I knew 
it, I knew it! Seven years' bad luck! 

Trask (seizing him by the arm, and shaking him to 
get his attention; very brusquely). Yes, and the first 
consignment's here. The safe's been blown open, and the 
necklace is gone ! 

Carr. What — what — you mean ? 

Trask. I mean what I said! It's gone! 

Carr (going to pieces). Arh-h-h ! 

Trask. Now wait — listen ! We've got the matter in 
hand, and we expect to make an arrest soon. (Stone 



64 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

enters quickly.) Here's my partner now! Just trust 
us; we'll get the necklace. Now you go up-stairs and 
have everybody ready to come down here when I give 
you the signal. You understand? 

Carr. Y-y-yes ! 

Trask. You stand at the head of the stairs — I'll call 
to you. 

Carr. Yes! Yes! 

Trask. Good ! Now hurry up ! 

(Carr goes up-stairs.) 

Stone (in a low voice). I got the stuff! 

Trask. Fine! Now when I tip you off, plant it on 
him, and leave the rest to me ! (He opens library door; 
coughs.) Er — Mr. Ash ! 

Ash (entering). Hello! So you've turned up, eh ? 

Trask. Yes, I 

Aspi (rather sourly). You're a little late, I'm afraid. 

Trask (raising his voice). See here! I'm going to 
do the talking here ! Now let's get down to business ! 

Ash. Business? 

Trask. Yes ! Mr. Ash, you will please sit down at 
that table and write me a check for $50,000 — payable 
to bearer. 

Ash. Say ! What is this ? 

Trask. Well, I can tell you one thing — it's not a joke ! 
So you'd better get it over with as soon as possible. 

Ash. You — poor — nut! Why, you don't think I'm 
crazy, do you? 

Trask. I will — if you don't write that check in a 
hurry. 

Ash. Yes? And just why, please? 

Trask, Because if you don't in five minutes you'll be 
under arrest for the theft of Mrs. Peckham's necklace ! 

Ash. What? 

Trask. Yes. You'll spend to-night in the Tombs, 
and be railroaded to Sing Sing in a week ! You haven't 
a chance — it's all fixed. 

Ash. You dirty blackmailer ! Why, you're crazy ] 
You haven't a thing to base an indictment on ! 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 65 

Trask. We haven't? Well, you just wait and see! 

Now, are you going to come through ? 

As II. No. 

Trask. All right — then you're going to catch it ! 
{He makes a signal to Stone, then goes to foot of stairs 
and calls up.) Mr. Carr — ready! (Ash has turned to 
watch him; Stone slips something into his pocket.) 
Now! (Trask returns to Asii ; in a lozv voice.) Just 
remember, this is only a little friendly deal — and when- 
ever you're ready with the check, you can make your get- 
away ! {The rest, except Louise and Neewah, come 
down the stairs, and gather in an excited group.) Mr. 
Carr, I understand that a valuable necklace has been 
stolen from that safe? 

Carr. Yes, yes. 

Trask. Has anything else been reported missing? 

Carr. V\^hy — I don't believe so. 

Trask. I think you're wrong. Mr. Carr, will you 
kindly search the pockets of this gentleman? 

Carr. Why— if — if 

Ash {laughing harshly). Go ahead — search me. 

Carr. Why {He timidly puts his hand in Ash's 

pocket, and draws out a ring.) A ring! 

Ash. What ! 

Carr {excitedly). My wife's! {Plunges his hand 
into the pocket, and brings out two brooches.) A. 
brooch — two of them ! 

Betty. They're mine ! 

Trask. See! {To Ash.) You're under arrest! 

Ash. You crook ! 

Trask. Handcuff him ! 

(Stone slips the cuffs on.) 

Ash. I'll get you for this ! 

Trask. Shut up ! (To Stone.) Go through him — 
see if he's got a gun. (Stone tries all his pockets, and 
draws forth the necklace; he and Trask gaze at it in 
amazement.) Good God! 

{There is a dead silence ; Louise comes dozvn the stairs, 
dressed for traveling, and carrying a suit-case.) 



66 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Louise. Why — what's the matter? 

Trask. Nothing — we've simply nabbed a crook. 

Louise. A crook? Mr. Ash? 

Trask. He's the man ! 

Louise. You mean — you think he stole Mrs. Peck- 
ham's necklace? 

Trask. Yes — and here it is ! {Holds it up.) 

Louise. Oh, but you've made a mistake — a terrible 
mistake. 

Ash. Sh-h-h-h ! 

Louise. I won't sh-h-h-h ! Do you think I'd let you 
go to jail in my place? 

Trask. In your place? 

Louise. Yes — / stole the necklace ! 

Everybody. What ? 

Louise. Mr. Ash found it out, and arrested me, not 
ten minutes ago ! We were on our way to the station — 
see, here comes Neewah with Mr. Ash's luggage! 

(Neewah appears with two suit-cases and a hat box.) 

Trask. Say — quit it! We caught him with the 
goods, and if these witnesses don't die before next week, 
he'll be in Sing Sing! 

Louise. Oh — you think so? Well, I guess if I plead 
guilty the court will accept the plea! 

Trask. You will? You'll plead guilty? 

Louise. I certainly will ! 

Trask. Well — my God! Eddie, slip the nippers on 
her! 

(vStone handcuffs Louise.) 

Ash. See here — you can't take her! You've got no 
evidence ! 

Trask. No evidence? She's confessed before wit- 
nesses, hasn't she ? Come along, now ! 

Louise. But — but you're not going to take him too! 

Trask. Sure^ — why not ? 

Louise (in amazement). Oh — you beast! 

Trask. Hm-m-m-m! I guess I've nipped a little 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 67 

elopement in the bud! Well, two crooks as clever as 
you ain't safe wandering around loose. Now just come 
along easy. {He turns and finds himself face to face 
zvith Neewah, who smiles politely.) Hello — you here 
again? Well, we don't want you on our party. 

Neewah. Yes. 

Trask. Say, cut it out ! 

Neewah. Noiter — noiter — soco noiter! 

(Waves his arms.) 

Trask. Here, Eddie, help me fix this boob! (He 
takes out his revolver, and advances.) Now don't get 
fresh. 

Neewah. Noiter — soco noiter ! (Trask gets close to 
him; he smiles and sticks out his hands to be cuffed.) 
Ishinoo ! {With a quick movement he knocks the gun 
from Trask's hand; Trask utters a cry of pain; Neewah 
seizes the gun, and covers Stone, who throws his hands 
above his head in terror. Neewah takes a gun from 
Stone's pocket; then points at Ash's handcuffs, and 
smiles blandly.) No? (Stone sullenly unlocks the 
cuffs; Neewah points at Louise's.) No? (Stone re- 
leases her. Neewah hands one of the guns to Ash, 
bows elegantly, and beams at him.) Yes! 

Ash. Thanks! Neewah, you're a trump! And as 
for you — all of you — you've given me a tip — and I'm 
going to take it! You think I'm a crook? Well, I'm 
going to be a crook ! Now watch me ! Neewah ! Go 
crankee car! (Neewah bozvs, and runs off back l.) 
Now — give me that necklace! {He points the gun at 
Trask, who hands him the necklace.) You! {Pokes 
the gun in Carr's ribs.) That ring — the brooches — now 
your watch ! (Carr hands them all over; Ash puts them 
in his pocket.) Now — you — and you — and you! {He 
goes through the crowd, snatching watches,^ jewelry, 
everything he sees; the sound of the motor is heard.) 
Crook, eh? I'll show you what a real crook is! I'm 
going to make Raffles and Jesse James look like pikers ! 
Just watch out for me ! Look for it in the papers next 



68 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Tuesday. I'm going to rob the United States Treasury 
Monday night ! 

{He has driven the crowd hack with the revolver ; he 
turns quickly, snatches Louise up in his arms, and 
dashes out to the waiting machine.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Same as Act I. 

(As the curtain rises the stage is dark except for the 
moonlight at window hack r. The figure of a man 
is seen crouching on the fire escape outside. After 
a moment the man cautiously raises the zvindow, and 
crawls in; closes the window and slowly draws the 
shade. He holds the shade aside for a few seconds, 
and indicates that he is watching somebody in the 
street below. Finally he raises his hand, and thumbs 
his nose at the unseen person. Then he leaves the 
window, and tiptoes around the stage, lighting his 
way with a pocket flash lamp. After investigating 
both rooms r. and l., he heaves an audible sigh, and 
switches on the lights, revealing himself to the audi- 
ence. He is about forty, with glossy black hair, 
undoubtedly dyed, and an elaborately curled mous- 
tache; his clothes, though very much worn, are flashy 
and sportily effective. His manner, even when 
alone, is undeniably elegant; in short, he is what 
George Ade would call " the Police Gazette's idea 
of a real gent." One would suspect him of having 
passed under various names at various times, but his 
favorite and best known alias is Baron Plum. The 
Baron gazes around the room, and rubs his hands 
together with evident satisfaction. Turning, he 
comes suddenly upon the collection of firearms which 
still adorns the table front r. Apoplexy nearly 
ensues, but he recovers, and continues his investiga- 
tion. The large clothes closet back c. seems to inter- 
est him; he opens it, revealing a veritable sartorial 
mine. His visible joy shows where his heart- lies.) 

Baron (rapturously). Ah! Ah! (He tenderly 
ondles several of the stnts.) Beautiful! Beautiful! 

69 



yO EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

{He comes forward, riihhing his hands; takes a cigar 
from the table, lights it; goes into next room, and 
returns carrying two large suit-cases. He takes 
them to the closet, and prepares to pack up. He 
puts his head on one side, careftdly selects a suit, 
folds it up, and lays it carefully in the suit-case. The 
sound of an automobile is heard stopping outside the 
building. The Baron pauses, goes to the window, 
and peeps out; looks worried; takes out his watch, 
considts it; then shrugs his shoulders and continues 
to pack. After a moment a key turns in the lock 
of the door back l. ; the Baron springs up, slamming 
the suit-case closed and shoving it against the wall; 
steps quickly into the closet, closing the doors after 
him. The door back l. opens, and Ash, Louise and 
Neewah enter.) 

Ash. Great Scott! Neewah, you left the Hghts 
going ! 

Neewah. Yes ? 

Ash. Well, it doesn't matter. I'll never pay the rent 
again. Now, hustle, Neewah — catchee some coffee damn 
velly klick, because we've got to get away from here. 

Neewah (nodding affirmatively) . No! 

{He goes off r.) 

Ash {he is fairly quivering with excitement). Now, 
just as soon as I get some money and a couple of my pet 
guns, then we're off for that 1 105 for St. Louis! We've 
got forty minutes — we ought to be away from here in 
fifteen! {Slaps his hands together.) Say — this is the 
life! {He goes out r. Louise looks around her in a 
dazed way; then suddenly realizes that it is all actually 
happening, and makes a wild gesture of fright. Goes to 
the telephone at the back of the stage, and sits down with 
her back to the audience, and calls for a number; her 
voice can be heard faintly, but her words are indis- 
tinguishable. The door r. opens; she sets down the 
receiver hurriedly, and swings around in her seat; Nee- 
wah enters, crosses stage; smiles at her, and goes out L. 
She turns again to the 'phone, and whispers a few in- 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 7 1 

audible words mto the transmitter; hangs up the receiver, 
and conies down stage in evident relief. Ash enters r.) 
I say, this is luck! {Holds up several bills.) Six one 
thousand dollar bills! I forget what the deuce I got 

them for. Let's see Oh, yes, I was going to rent 

a yacht ! Fool idea ! But these will certainly come in 
handy now ! 

Louise. I should say so! (Tries to work up a little 
enthusiasm.) And then, you have the necklace. 

Ash. Yes, by Jove — I'd forgotten that. 

Louise. But will it be of any use? You wouldn't 
dare sell it. 

Ash. Oh, yes, I would! (In a confidential tone.) 
I'll take it to a fence ! 

Louise. A fence? 

Ash (cheerfidly). Of course, a fence — a professional 

receiver of stolen goods! Only (His face falls.) 

Only I don't believe I know any fences ! (Scratches his 
head.) Come to think of it, I don't know very much 
about being a crook! And I've been riding about in 
taxicabs all my life ! Well, never mind — we'll learn the 
game soon enough ! 

Louise. Well — what are you going to do first? 

Ash. Do? Why — why — well, I don't think it would 
do to start right in robbing banks and doing second story 
work now — not until we've gotten a start and know the 
game better. 

Louise. You're — you're not going to start in picking 
pockets ? 

Ash. No, no! Don't worry! We won't be pikers. 
On the contrary, I think the only thing to do at first will 
be the Raffles stuff — moving around in high society, and 
keeping our eyes open for things to lift. 

Louise. But everybody in society knows us! 

Ash. Here — yes. But not in the society w^e're 
headed for. Out west is our field. We can break into 
society in some small town on the coast just because we 
wear the right kind of clothes — and take it from me, 
there are more diamonds worn out there than in New 
York. It isn't fashionable any more. 



72 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Louise. But six thousand dollars doesn't go far to- 
ward breaking into society anywhere ! 

Asii. Oh, that's all right ! I've got a lot of worthless 
mining stock in my desk — we'll take it along and pray 
that we meet some rich hayseed on the train. (Takes a 
large, square bundle from his desk.) There! Those 
ought to be worth thirty thousand dollars, if we strike a 
rube that's got that much ! 

Louise {getting interested). I could pose as an 
orphan, who needed the money to keep me from starving ! 

Ash. Great ! We'll buy you some mourning first 
thing to-morrow ! 

Louise. And Lll need a lot of new gowns — if we're 
going to break into society. 

Ash. Of course ! And I must take some stuff with 
me — I don't trust those bush league tailors! (He goes 
to clothes closet.) Lm not sure that (Sees suit- 
cases.) Hello — what are these doing here? They were 
in my room! (Opens door of closet.) Luckily Ld just 
gotten a lot of new stuff. (Sees a strange trouser leg 
and a shoe. ) What are shoes doing in here ? Neewah's 

getting careless in his old age — why ! (He grabs 

the shoe, and with a struggle pulls the Baron into view.) 
Well, who the hell are you ? 

Baron. My dear sir (Regains his poise.) In 

a few words I can explain everything. 

Ash (looking first at the Baron, and then at the suit- 
cases; with an exclamation of joy). I know — you're a 
burglar. 

Baron. No — no, I assure you, my dear sir. 

Ash. You're a second story worker, 

(He takes him by the arm, and brings him down stage.) 

Baron. Not at all, sir, not at all. 

Ash. Oh, yes, you are. (He slaps him on the chest; 
feels something round and hard.) Ah — what's this? 
(He thrusts his hand in the Baron's pocket, and brings 
out a pocket flash lamp.) I knew it — I knew it! 

Baron (nonplussed). Really, sir, I can explain. 

Ash (joyfully; to Louise). I knew it! Just what 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 73 

ive wanted ! (To Baron.) See here, old man — I've got 
1 proposition to make to you ! I'll give you five thousand 
dollars in cash to teach me to be a second story worker. 

Baron. Why — why ! 

Ash. Or, if you'll find a fence to take over some big 
stuff — a lot of it. I'll take you into partnership. What 
do you say? 

Baron. Why — why, my dear sir, I assure you that 
there is nothing — absolutely nothing — for me to say. 

Asii. Good! Then the deal's closed. You'll find a 
fence for us right away ? 

Baron. My dear sir, leave everything to me. 

Ash. Fine ! That's splendid of you, Mr. — what was 
the name? 

Baron. Plum, sir — Baron Plum. 

Ash. All right. Baron — my name is — hold on! I 
think I'll take a title, too. Let me see ! Ah, yes ! You 
nay call me Duke of Sherman. 

Baron. I am delighted to know you, Duke ! 

Ash. And this is Miss 

Louise. The Countess de Beaujeraque, if you please. 

Baron. Ah, Countess — I am overjoyed! (He kisses 
her hand gallantly; Neewah enters bearing a tray with 
tzvo cups of coffee.) Ah-ha ! And here comes the 
Mikado himself ! 

Ash. Yes, the Mikado's my valet. Neewah — catchee 
tiother cup, quick ! 

(Neewah bows, and goes out.) 

Baron. Excellent, excellent ! I observe that this is a 
democratic aristocracy. Ho, ho, ho ! 

Ash. Yes, yes — but now let's get busy. You see, 
^ve've got to get out of here. We've landed this. (He 
?xhibits the necklace.) And they're hot on .our trail. 

Baron (devouring the necklace with his eyes). Ah — 
nagnifique! Magnifique ! But surely, they will spare 
no effort to — er — get you? 

Ash. You bet — that's why we must be out of here in 
about five minutes. 



74 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Baron. Ah — certainly — we must make haste — we 
must make haste ! 

{He starts assiduously filling his pockets with cigars.) 
Ash. Right-o ! 

(He starts hastily throwing suits into the suit-case. 
Louise is begimting to show signs of nervousness, 
and looks frequently at the door; finally sits down L. 
The Baron looks at her closely; strikes a meditative 
pose, then goes to Ash and takes his arm solemnly.) 

Baron. Duke ? 

Ash. Yes, Baron? 

Baron. Tell me; is this young person your wife? 

Ash. Why — no. 

Baron. And you intend that we go to ? 

Ash. St. Louis, first. 

Baron {with a sweeping gesture). No! No, sir! 
Not if I am to be a member of the party. 

Ash. But — but you must come. . 

Baron. No! No! {Strikes a pose; tragically.) I 
have sworn an oath ; never again will I cross a state line 
in company with a young unmarried female ! 

Ash. Why, what? {The ominous imminence of the 
Mann Act suddenly dawns on him.) Great Scott, yes! 
I'd forgotten ! {He looks at the Baron blankly.) What 
on earth shall we do? 

Baron. Perfectly simple! Marry her now! 

Ash. What? 

Baron. Certainly ! Marriage by contract is perfectly 
legal in this state. The Mikado and I will act as wit- 
nesses; I myself will draw up the contract! 

Ash. But — but 

Baron. My dear Duke, leave everything to me! I 
assure you,T am an authority in these matters! {Goes 
to Louise; hows.) My dear Countess. 

Louise. Yes, Baron? 

Baron. It has been decided, in — er — executive ses- 
sion, that owing to the exigencies of the moment, you 
must immediately marry my old friend, the Duke! 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 75 

Louise. Marry ! Now — here ? 

Baron. Precisely. 

Louise. But it's impossible — in the middle of the 
night ! « 

Baron. Pardon me — the state of New York, being 
an enlightened community, recognizes marriage by con- 
tract. I myself am now going to draw up the contract. 

{He goes to the desk, turns up the typewriter, and 
inserts two sheets of paper and a carbon.) 

Louise. But I don't want to — I — I won't marry him. 

Baron. My dear lady, you must! Of course, you 
need not marry him — it may be the Mikado, or — ahem — 
myself, but you must marry one of us! Choose! 
( Louise is silent. ) Then we shall say the Duke ? Good ! 

(He sits down before the typewriter, and starts to 
rattle away at top speed, maintaining his calm and 
businesslike air.) 

Ash (after a moment). See here — we ought at least 
have a minister! 

Baron (without stopping). Of course — of course! 
Call up the hall-boy, and ask him if there's one in the 
building ! 

Ash. By Jove — you're a genius! (Dashes to the 
'phone; takes up the receiver.) Hello — hello — Jim? 
Jim, does a minister live in this building? Yes, yes — 
connect me with his apartment. (To the Baron.) The 
Reverend Francis Macdonald! Sounds fine, eh? 

Baron (shaking his head). Scotch Presbyterian — 
rather difficult to handle, sometimes. But leave me to 
deal with him. 

Ash (in 'phone). Hello — hello. Is this the Reverend 
Francis Macdonald? Your Reverence, will you kindly 
come to apartment 74 at once? There is — er — that is, 
some one is very sick — yes — yes — thank you — good-bye. 
(Puts down 'phone.) I was afraid he wouldn't come 
if I told him what we really wanted. 



76 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Baron. Very clever — very clever. I couldn't have 
done better myself. {He goes on typing.) 

Ash {starting to go to Louise, has a thought, dashes 
into room R., and returns; goes to Louise). I — I just 
remembered — that I had this wedding ring of my moth- 
er's — will you see if it fits? 

Louise {rising slowly to her feet). Oh — this — this — 
you're not joking? You mean — you really want to 
marry me? 

Ash. Of course I do! 

Louise. And you would still love me — if you found 
out something terrible about me? 

Ash. I've already found out that you're a crook — and 
I still love you! 

Louise. But if you found out something worse — if 
you found out that I wasn't a crook? 

Ash. Don't worry — you're going to be a crook, all 
right. The Baron will attend to that ! 

Louise. But — but I didn't mean that. 

Ash. I don't care what you meant — I want to marry 
you, and Lm going to! {He holds out the ring.) See 
if it fits. 

^Louise {bashfully trying the ring on). Yes. 

Ash. It must have been destined for you! {The bell 
rings.) Ah — the Reverend Francis Macdonald! {He 
takes the ring, slips it into his pocket, and goes to door 
back L. ; opens it. The Reverend Francis Macdonald 
enters; he is a vacuous looking old dotard, with white 
side whiskers and bone spectacles; he is bundled up in 
a large fur coat, and zvears a silk hat.) Come in, your 
Reverence ! 

Macdonald {coming forward, sleepily). Where is 
the dying man? 

Ash. Why — er 

Baron {smoothly). Dying man? There is no dying 
man here — only a blissfully happy young couple, sighing 
for the holy bonds of matrimony! And you, Reverend 
Sir, are vouchsafed the sacred privilege of making them 
one! 

Macdonald. Yes, ves — of course! 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 77 

Baron. Allow me, your Reverence ! 

{He steps to his side, and starts unbuttoning his fur 
coat. ) 

Macdonald (protesting). No — no! 
Ash. Oh, yes — we insist ! 

(In spite of the protests, they strip off his coat; Mac- 
donald stands revealed in a pair of trousers and the 
top of pink silk pajamas, elaborately embroidered.) 

Baron, x^nd now — let me present the happy pair. 

{He leads Asii and Louise forward.) 

Macdonald. But I haven't got the marriage service 
here. 

Baron. Never mind, I 

Macdonald. Still, I think I know it. 

{He joins their hands, and starts reciting a Latin 
service in a singsong voice, speaking very rapidly 
and without accenting any of the words.) 

Baron. Wait — wait ! I know that one, and it's too 
long, — much too long ! We're in a hurry. 

Macdonald. But, my dear sir — it is the only one I 
know. 

Baron. Then I will teach you one — wait. {Thinks 
hard.) Let's see — no — ah, here's one — a most charming 
one — and very concise. 

Macdonald. But 

Baron {taking Ash's and Louise's hands in his; 
demonstrating). "Do you take this woman to be your 
wife ? Do you take this man to be your husband ? Bless 
you, my children ! " — Very simple ! 

Macdonald. But, my dear sir! 

Baron. Please — please. I assure you, haste is urgent. 

Macdonald. Well — as you wish ! {Takes their hands 
in his; in the same singsong voice.) Do you take this 
woman to be your wife? 

Ash. Yes. 



78 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

Macdonald. Do you take this man to be your hus- 
band ? 

Louise. Yes ! 

Macdonald. I pronounce you man and wife; bless 
you my children ! {He turns and picks up his overcoat; 
the Baron helps him on with it, as Ash slips the ring on 
Louise's finger.) Er — and now — my fee? 

Ash. Oh, yes — of course! {He runs through his 
pockets; pauses.) Why — I haven't a thing — except 
these big bills. Baron — w^ill you oblige me? 

Baron {coughing). Well — I — really — I regret to 
say 

{There is an embarrassed pause.) 

Louise. Oh — allow me. {She produces the roll of 
bills from her stocking.) I don't know how much? 

Macdonald. Ten dollars, my dear young lady — only 
ten dollars. {She gives him a bill.) Thank you — thank 
you. {He puts the bill in his pocket, then lingers a bit, 
obviously in the hope that she will put the bills back 
where she got them; she shozvs no sign of doing so; he 
coughs confusedly, and bows to each one.) Good- 
night — good-night. {He makes for the door.) 

Ash {showing him out). Good-night! 

(Macdonald goes out. Neewah enters l. with a cup 
of coffee.) 

Baron. Ah — the wedding breakfast! {He takes the 
coffee, and drinks it at one gulp.) And now — you must 
sign the contract. {He looks at the tzvo copies proudly.) 
If I do say so, I think that it is a work of art! {He 
hands one to Louise, with a bow.) Dear Madame. 
(Louise takes the contract; the Baron picks up a pen, 
dips it in the ink, and hands it to her; she hesitates a 
moment, then signs the contract; the Baron hands her the 
second; she signs it. He hands both contracts to Ash, 
who signs them.) And now, while we witness them, get 
your things on. Here, your Royal Highness — sign here. 

(Ash and Louise put on their hats, zuhile Neewah 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 79 

and the Baron sign the contract. Louise slips to 
the window, and looks out nervously.) 

Ash. Well, are we ready? 

Baron. Quite. Now we can start. 

Louise. Oh — but 

Ash. What is it? 

Louise. Do we have to go — why not stay here? 

Ash. What? 

Louise (very nervously). Yes — don't you think it 
would be safer ? 

Ash. Great Heavens, no ! 

Louise. Oh — but — but 

Baron. Dear lady — time flies. We must leave. 

Louise. No ! No ! I won't go. 

Ash {looking at her sharply). See here — what's the 
matter ? Who are you expecting ? 

Louise. Why — no one — really 

Ash. You're stalling — you want them to catch us. 

Louise. No — no — I 

{An automobile stops in front of the building. All 
stand listening.) 

Ash {rushing to the window). It's they! Trask and 
Stone and Carr ! So that's what you were waiting for. 

Louise. No, no — it wasn't — I swear it wasn't. 

Ash. Well— they've got us. That's sure. 

Louise. No, no ! See, I'll prove I wasn't waiting for 
them. {Snatches up a smoking jacket, and holds it out 
to the Baron.) Put this on— when they come, tell them 
you've sublet the apartment. 

Ash. But the hall-boy will tell them we're here ! 

Louise. Oh ! 

Baron. My friends— (wif/z a szveeping gesture) 
leave everything to me. When I am through with them, 
they will be convinced that you started for China an hour 

Louise. I believe it. And you'll probably have sold 
them Central Park in the bargain ! 

Ash. That's the idea ! Baron, we leave it all to you ! 
Louise. Quick ! Gather up this stuff. 



80 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

{They snatch up the various suit-cases, and go off r. 
The Baron gets into the smoking jacket, lights a 
fresh cigar, hunts around on the desk till he finds 
some tortoise shell glasses and an eye-shade, picks up 
a book, sits down, props his feet tip, and commences 
to read. The hell rings.) 

Baron {in a sleepy voice). Come in! 

{The door opens, and Carr, Trask and Stone enter.) 

Carr {waving a revolver). Don't resist — we're 
armed. 

Baron {not rising). My dear sir, what do you mean ? 

Carr {coming close to him). Why-^who are you? 

Baron. Who are you? Why am I disturbed this way 
by total strangers ? What is the meaning of it ? 

Trask. We'll show you. There's somebody here we 
want, and 

Baron {uttering a hozvl, and springing to his feet, 
tearing off his glasses and eye-shade). Chub Trask! 
You dirty crook ! And Eddie Stone ! Ah — now I've 
got you, you lowlives ! 

Trask {falling back). The Baron! 

Stone. Come on, Chub — beat it! 

{He starts for the door.) 

Baron. No you don't ! {He turns, and sei::es two 
enormous horse pistols from the table.) Come back 
here! (Stone throws up his hands, and returns; Carr 
flies to a dark corner.) Now! You two slobs! You 
will try to double cross me, eh ? Well, now I'm going to 
get even for the two years I did for you squealers ! 

{He throws up the window, draws a police whistle 
from his pocket, and starts to blow it.) 

Trask. You damn fool. The bulls want you as much 
as they want us. 

Baron. Yes — but this time I'm going to be the one 
to squeal. 

{He blows two piercing blasts. As he does so, Stone 
seises Trask's arm.) 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 8 1 

Stone {excitedly). Chub — those guns of his ain't 
loaded. 

Tkask. Good God — that's so. 

{Together they rush the Baron, and in a moment he is 
securely handcuffed. The job is hardly done when 
Ash conies in; Trask closes with him, and after a 
short struggle gets him cuffed; meantime Stone 
covers Neewaii with his revolver, but keeps well 
away from him.) 

Ash. Damn you ! 

{Although his hands are bound behind his back, he 
dives at Trask, and knocks him staggering across 
the room. As he does so the door opens, and Judge 
Harrison comes striding into the room, followed by 
a Policeman.) 

Trask {turning and seeing him, backing away). 
Judge Harrison ! 

H^arrison. Yes, Chub — we meet again ! And your 
Httle pal, too ! {Sees the Baron; pauses in amazement.) 
Well — upon my word — Baron ! {He goes over and 
shakes hands with him heartily.) Well, well, well! 
Why, Baron, three of your wives were in to see me yes- 
terday ! You certainly do keep your women-folk guess- 
ing! 

Baron. Well, Judge, it amuses them. Otherwise, 
they'd be into all kinds of mischief. 

Harrison. I suppose so. Well, suppose we hold a 
little reception for them to-morrow morning, and get 
acquainted again, eh? 

Baron {appealingly). Now, Judge! You're cer- 
tainly not going to go back on an old friend ! Why, you 
haven't the heart to hand me over to that bevy of old 
hens— and right after I've landed these two lowlife crooks 
for you single-handed! 

{He points at Trask and Stone, who scowl.) 

Harrison. Well ! Baron, I suppose your weakness is 
an amiable one, after all. I guess I won't make any 



82 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

great effort to remember that I've seen you! (To 
Policeman.) Take off those cuffs. 

Baron. Judge — you're a gentleman! (The Police- 
man takes off the cuffs; Harrison signs for him to give 
him the key.) And Judge — he's all right. (Points to 
Ash, who is standing with his back turned and his head 
bowed.) I know him. 

Harrison. Yes. ( Grimly. ) So do I ! 

Baron. And the lady — she's all right. 

Harrison. You bet she's all right — (speaking at 
Ash) or I wouldn't have adopted her! 

(Ash starts, but does not turn.) 

Baron. Oh-ho ! Well, Judge, I always did think you 
were the most omniscient personality I ever met! 

Harrison (gruffly). Thanks! And now — clear out, 
all of you ! 

Trask. See here, Judge. 

Harrison. Shut up! Take 'em out. (The Police- 
man takes Trask and Stone out.) You, too. Baron! 
Good-bye ! 

Baron (subdued by Harrison's change of manner). 
Good-bye, your honor ! 

(He goes out. Carr comes forward nervously.) 

Carr. I — I 

Harrison. Well ? 

(Carr becomes utterly inarticidate.) 
Louise. I know. 

(She goes to Ash, and gets the necklace; hands it to 
Harrison, then gets the other jewelry, which she 
keeps in her hand. He examines the necklace.) 

Harrison. Oh — yes! Uh-huh! (Sardonically.) I 
thought so ! About two hundred dollars' worth of paste. 
Give it to Mrs. Peckham with my love ! (Carr mumbles, 
and starts out; Louise follows him, and gives him the 
other things; he goes out. Harrison waits till he is gone, 
then turns to Ash, and indulges in a sour grin of 
triumph.) Well? 



EXPENSE NO OBJECT 83 

{Before he can go on, Louise places her hand gently 
on his arm; he pauses; she silently hands him the 
marriage contract. He reads it in amazement ; turns 
to her; she shyly holds out her hand and shows the 
wedding ring. His face expressing great wonder- 
ment, he squeezes her hand, hands her the handcuff 
key, picks up his hat, and goes out very quietly. 
Louise goes and stands beside Ash. After a 
moment he speaks, in a subdued, bitter voice. ) 

Ash. So — you're not a thief, after all — just part of 
my imcle's scheme to show me what a fool I was ! And 
they weren't real detectives — only a couple of cheap 
crooks — and squealers, at that! Even the diamonds 
were — just paste ! You must think I'm a fool — oh, I 
am a fool. I've been kidding myself that I was in a real 
adventure — I've been running around after a lot of fake 
jewelry. And I've been bluffed to a standstill by a 
girl — by you ! 

Louise. Ah, but you didn't know! How could you 
have known? And hasn't it been fun — glorious fun! 
Why, most of it has been real, just as real as can be. 
Oh — don't you see ? 

Ash. Yes — I suppose so. I got what I wanted — I 
wanted thrills — and I got them. And I got a lot more, — 
I got a mighty good lesson ; I learned that I'm a fool, and 
I won't forget it. I'm cured. 

{He sits on edge of table r.) 

Louise. Ah, don't say that, please ! Just think what 
a lark it's been — what a gorgeously wild evening! How 
many people ever have experiences like this? Think of 
the thousands of men and women, tied down to a dreary, 
humdrum existence, while their hearts are bursting with 
romance and yearning for adventure, who would give 
their souls for the thrills we've experienced to-night. 
Don't you see? Oh, don't you see? And — it wasn't 
all — make believe — was it? Edwards was real — and I 
really did throw the chairs at him. {He turns to her; 
tries to speak, but cannot.) Was it — was it — all — make 
believe? The minister was real — and — we really are — 



84 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 

married. {She timidly shozvs the contract in her hand; 
his face lights up in complete understanding ; with a sud- 
den effort he tries to bring his arms forward to embrace 
her, but the handcuffs prevent. ) Oh — you poor darling ! 

{She whirls him around, and sinks on her knees be- 
hind him; fumbles at the cuffs with the key; he 
watches her over his shoidder; at last she unlocks 
the cuffs, and as she rises to her feet he turns and 
clasps her in his arms.) 



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FOR FEMALE CHARAC I'ERS ONLY 

The Bewildering Miss Felicia 3 o 14 2}^^ 

A Case for Sheriocli Holmes 2 o 10 i|^h 

Cupid's Partner 3 o 12 2h 

The Farmerette 3 o 7 2h 

A Girl in a Thousand 4 o 14 2)^h 

Her First Assignment (15c.) i o 10 ih 

How the Club was Formed (15c.) . . . i o 18 i^h 

How the Story Grew (15c ) i o 8 45m 

Leave It to Polly 2 o 11 i^h 

Lucia's Lover 3 o 8 i)4h 

Miss Fearless & Co. \ . . . . 3 o 10 2^h 

Modern Sewing Society (15c.) i o 14 45m 

Our Church Fair 2 o 12 i^h 

Packing of the Home Missionary Barrel (15c.) i o 10 30m 

Six Times Nine 2 o 11 i^h 

Suffragettes' Convention i i 12 iXh 

Suffragettes' Town Meeting i o 20 ih 

Virginia Heroine 3 o 11 i^h 

Voice of Authority 3 o 7 2h 

FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

The Boy Scouts 3 20 o 2h 

First Day of the Holidays (15c.) 4 6 o i^h 

First National Boot (15c.) 2 7 2 ih 

Half Back's Interference (15c.) i 10 o 40m 

A New Start (15c.) 4 7 .2 i^h 

On the Quiet 2 12 o i;^h 

A Regular Rah! Rah! Boy 3 14 o i^h 

A Regular Scream 2 11 o i^h 

Too Clever by Half (15c.) 3 6 2 i^h 

Tramps' Convention i 17 o ij^h 

The Turn in the Road (15c.) 2 9 o ij4h 

Wanted, a Pitcher (15c.) i 11 o 30m 

ENTERTAINMENTS 

Aunt Jerusha's Quilting Party 1 4 '2 ih 

The District School i 12 17 ih 

Miss Prim's Kindergarten i 10 11 i>^h 

A Pageant of History 6 15 9 2>^h 

Scenes in the Union Depot i 24 18 i>^h 

Taking the Census in Bingville i 14 8 i^h 

The Village Post=Off!ce i 22 20 2h 

Price, 25 ^^///.f ^^^/^ tmless otherwise stated 

BAKER, 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass. 



Plays That We Can Recommend 



ylcts 

COMEDY DRAMAS 

Bar Haven 3 

The College Chap 3 

The Country Doctor 4 

Country Folks 3 

The Country Minister 5 

Cranberry Corners 4 

The District Attorney 3 

Down in Maine 4 

Elmwood Folks 3 

A Foul Tip 3 

How Jim Made Good 4 

Mrs. Tyler's Second 3 

Red Acre Farm 3 

Valley Farm 4 

The Village School-Ma'am 3 

Willowdale 3 

COMEDIES 

Daddy 3 

The Day That Lincoln Died i 

The King Pin (15c.) 3 

Lost — a Chaperon 3 

Miss Buzby's Boarders 3 

The Missing Miss Miller 3 

Out of Town 3 

Rebellion of Mrs. Barclay 2 

Sally Lunn 2 

A String of Pearls (15c.) . i 

Team Work 3 

Teddy 3 

FARCES 

Alias Brown 3 

Caught Out (15c.) 3 

The Dutch Detective 3 

Engaged by Wednesday 3 

A Full House (15c.) i 

Gadsby's Qirls 3 

Hiram Jones's Bet (15c.) i 

The Hoodoo 3 

Local and Long Distance (15c.) i 

Our Wives . . 3 

Papa Pettingill (15c.) 4 

Pa's New Housekeeper (15c.) i 

Picking a Winner 3 

The Private Tutor 3 



Males 


Females 


Time 


6 


5 


2h 


II 

6 


7 
5 


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2^h 


8 




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<> 


6 


2h 


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3 




iVzh 


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I3^h 


3 


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iy2h 


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10 


5 


2j^h 


4 


4 


2Xh 


II 


5 


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9 


2 


i^h 


5 


5 


2h 


5 


II 


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3 


3 


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2 


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I 


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10 


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3 


2 


40m 


9 


5 


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5 


3 


2h 



DANDY DIALOGUES FOR CHRISTMAS 

By Harriette Wilbur, etc. 

Eleven pretty and effective dialogues appropriate to Christmas, well varied 
in length and character to suit all circumstances. Containing : 

A Christmas Dinner. 6 males, 4 females. 

Holly and Mistletoe. 12 females. 

Father Christmas. Any number of children. 

Santa Claus. Monologue. 

Offerings of the Year. 12 boys or girls or both. 

Christmas Capers. 6 boys, 3 girls. 

Return of Mother Goose. 4 males, 7 females. 

The Fairy Steeplecrown. 2 males, 2 females and children 

Santa Claus at Home, i male, i female ; boys and girls ad libitum. 

Santa Claus the First. 5 males (grown up), 4 boys, 2 girls. 

Bachelor's Christmas, i male, i female (grown up); 3 boys, 3 girls. 

Price, 2^ cents. 

CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENTS 

FOR SCHOOL AND HOME 

Comprising Exercises, Suggestions and Plays. 

By Jay Kaye and Others. 

Price, 2^ cents. 

CONTENTS 

Christmas Entertainments. New and original exercises and sugges- 
tions. 

The Christmas Box. 4 males, 4 females. 

The Luck of the Golden Pumpkin. 6 males, 6 females. 

The Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe. 3 male, 2 female characters 
and children. 

Christmas. 4 males, 4 females. 

Charlie's Christmas Dream. 2 males and a child. 

BAKER'S PATRIOTIC DIALOGUES 

FOR ALL GRADES 

By Edward D. Holmes. 

A collection of school dialogues based upon well-known and popular inci- 
dents of American history. Six dialogues of various lengths, from five to 
thirty minutes, historically accurate as well as dramatic and patriotic, as 
follows: 

The Boston Tea-Party. 14 boys. 

The Capture of the British Sentinel at Stony Point. 4 boys. 

The Capture of Major Andre. 4 boys. 

Our Nation's Birthday. 14 boys, i girl and children. 

The Evacuation of Boston. 13 boys, 14 girls. 

General Gage and the Boston Boys. 5 boys, i girl and children. 

Frice, 2^ cents. 



PETREL, THE STORM CHILD 

A Drama in Three Acts 

By Charles S. Bird 

Eight males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 

Plays two hours. Petrel Kingman, the adopted daughter of Jabez, a waii 

from the sea, finds in Bob Braxton, a visiting yachtsman, not only a 

husband but the means of ascertaining her real parentage and the recovery 

of her fortune. A strong, simple story with lots of incidental interest and 

humorous character. Another " Among the Breakers." 

Price, 2^ cents 

CHARACTERS 

Captain Stubbs, a retired skipper. 

Sim Freeman, the constable at "Bay View,** 

Lem Gale, a sad sea dog. 

Jabez Kingman, keeper of the village store. 

Bob Braxton, a yoimg yachtsman. 

Harry James, Bob' s chum. 

Ezra Green, always buttiti in. 

Mr. Brief, a lawyer. 

Petrel Kingman, daughter of Jabez, but known as Pet 

Amanda Libby, a spinster, but not willijigly. 

Bessie Stubbs, the Captain s daughter^ and Pefs friend, 

Mrs. Kingman, wife of Jabez. 

Cecile, a maid. 

Bay View Folks. 

The parts of Lem and Brief may be doubled. 

SAM BO-JAM AND HIS AFRICAN COLONY 

A Negro Farce in Three Scenes 
By Jay Clay Powers 
Fourteen males, nine females, all originally played by ladies. Cos- 
tumes, negro character and eccentric ; scenery, unimportant. Plays an 
hour with specialties. Sam Bo-Jam turns up at a Negro festivity in Texas 
with a scheme for colonizing Africa, and takes the whole party with him 
to the kingdom of Lukattiankilli where the affair resolves itself into a first 
class female minstrel show with many novel incidents. 
Price, IS cents 

AT HOTEL-ON-DE-BLINK 

An Entertainment in Two Parts 
By George P. Seller 
Seven male, two female characters. Costumes, eccentric; scenery, a 
plain interior or none at all. Plays an hour and a half with specialties. 
A laughable sketch introducing a minstrel show. A complete programme 
is given but may be varied or expanded as much as desired. A decided 
novelty that can be recommended. 

Price^ ij cents 



THE HOODOO 

A Farce in Three Acts 
By Walter Ben Hare 
Six males, twelve females and four children. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, one interior and one exterior, or can be played in a single in- 
terior. Plays two hours and twenty minutes. For a wedding gift Pro- 
fessor Spiggot gives BriglUon a marvelous Egyptian scarab. Under its 
evil influence Brighton is blackmailed by a former flame ; the susceptible 
Billy finds himself engaged to three ladies ; tlie Professor is accused of 
bigamy ; and Dun, the clever burglar, is caught. Matters are straight- 
ened out when the scarab is buried. Hemachus, the Professor's son, and 
Paradise, the colored cook, afford exceptional character parts. Recom* 
mended for schools. Pricey 2^ cents 

CHARACTERS 

Brighton Early, about to be married. 

Billy Jackson, the heart breaker. 

Professor Solomon Spiggot, ati authority oji Egypt 

Hemachus Spiggot, his son, aged seventeen. 

Mr. Malachi Meek, a lively old getttlemaji 0/ sixty-nine. 

Mr. Dun, the burglar. 

Miss Amy Lee, about to be married. 

Mrs. Perrington-Shine, her aunt and Mr. Meek" s daughter. 

Gwendolyn Perrington-Shine, who does Just as tnamma says. 

Dodo De Graft, tfie Dazzling Daisy. 

Mrs. Ima Clinger, a fascinating young widow. 

Angelina, her angel child, aged eight. 

Miss Doris Ruffles, Amy's maid of honor. 

Mrs. Semiramis Spiggot, the jnother of seven. 

EUPEPSIA Spiggot, her daughter, aged sixteen. 

Miss Longnecker, a public school-teacher. 

Lulu, by name and nature. 

Aunt Paradise, the colored cook lady. 

Four Little Spiggots. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act L The lawn at Mrs. Perrington-Shine's country home. 

Act IL The Hbrary at 8: 00 p. m. A thief in the hoube. 

Act III. The same library at 1 1 : 00 p. m. Trouble for the burglar. 

the clinging vine 

A Comedy in One Act 

By Rachel Baker Gale 

Sixteen females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays forty 

minutes. Irish and Negro comedy parts. The Barlonville Woman's 

Club brings Mrs. Redding to trial on the chai-ge that she is neglecting the 

club to attend to household matters. As the trial proceeds other members 

confess to the same crime and the meeting breaks up with all agreemg to 

pay a little more attention to their homes. Recommended for women's 

elubs. Author's royalty of $ 5.00 asked for each performance. 

Price, 21; cents 



LITTLE ACTS FOR LITTLE ACTORS 

A Collection of Plays, Drills, Tableaux and other 

Entertainments for Children 

By Edyth M. Wofmwood and Elizabeth F, Gup till 

This volume, by a well-known author in this field, offers an unusual 

variety of excellent material for smaller children, covering a wide area of 

demand. It can be strongly recommended. 

Price^ 2^ cents 

CONTENTS 

Father Time's Jubilee. 40 children. Good Night Drill. Several very small 
Alphabetical Antics. 26 children. girls. 

Pussywillows. 8 small girls. Toadstools. For 4 very small children. 

Bo Peep and Boy Blue, a, 3, or 4 pairs Blue Bells. la small girls. 

of small children. Tray Drill. Any number of girls. 

Miss Muffett and Jack Horner. 2 to Silver and Gold. Any even number of 

4 pairs of small children. girls. 

Little Cooks. Any number of the Bell Drill. 8 children, either sex or both. 

smallest girls. Sunbeams. Any number of little girls. 

At the Seaside. Any number of couples \A^reath Drill. 12 girls. 

of the smallest children. Tableaux. 

PLAYS WITH A PUNCH 

A Collection of One-Act Plays and Sketches, Serious 
and Serio-Comic 
A volume of short plays by various authors intended for use in vaude- 
ville and thus appropriately brief, swift in movement, and vivid in 
dramatic interest. 

Price, 25 cents 

CONTENTS 

A Crooked Man and His Crooked A Game of Comedy. 2 males, i female. 

Wife. 2 males, i female. A Scratch Race. 3 males, 2 females. 

His Chance. 4 males. The Substance of Ambition. 3 males. 

The Alarm. 2 males. i female. 

A Bride From Home. 2 males, 2 females. Her Picture. 2 males, 2 females. 

Brother Dave, i male, 2 females. Red or White. 2 males, 2 females. 
Faro Nell. 6 males, i female. 

PLAYS IN PINAFORES 

A Very Miscellaneous Collection of Plays for Young 

People of All Ages 

CONTENTS 

Mousme of the Japanese Toy-Shop. The Family Feud. 2 males, i female. 

4 males, 11 females. Migg's Revenge. 1 male, i female. 

An Easter Miracle. 10 females. The Irish Washerwoman, i male, i 

The Prince of Poppyland. 6 males, lo female. 

females. The Cobbler's Bargain, i male, 1 fe- 

The Dolls' Playhouse. I male, 3 fe- male. 

males. Cold Water. 2 males, 1 female. 

School Opera. 5 males, 5 females. Dialogue for Five Little Girls. 

The Honeymoon. 3 males, 5 females. The Power of Song. 6 males, 5 females. 

Left. I male, i female. Learning Lessons. 2 males, 4 females 

John Anderson, My Jo. l male, i fe- and chorus. 

male. 

Price, 2j cents 



ALIAS BROWN 

A Satirical Farce in Three Acts 

By E. J. Whhler 

Eleven males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 

Plays two hours. Keeler, fearing arrest for participation in a glove con- 

iest in Sacramento, adopts the name of a cigar salesman, Brown, whose 

card he finds in the train, and flees to Reno. Too late he finds Brown to 

be named as the corespondent in a divorce suit brought by Mr. Logan 

against his wife, and that Mr. and Mrs. Logan and Mary Gilbert, the girl 

of his heart, are all on the ground. His troubles are many, but he finds 

a way out of them. Good rapid farce and very funny. 

Price, 2^ cents 

CHARACTERS 
Mr. James Logan, a young married man. Age about twenty-five. 

Quick tempered. 
Mr. Mortimer, **Mrs. Mortimer s husband'" not subdued, but 

submerged. Age about forty. 
John Brown, a cigar salesman. Age about forty. A practical 

business man with no frills. Somewhat bald and a little gray, 
Vincent Allgood, the hotel clerk ( Nuf ced). 
Montmorency, a bell hop. 
Henry Keeler, a young man of about thirty. A gentleman of 

leisure, and a good fellow. 
Billy Newcomb, a newspaper reporter. Alert and on the job. 
La Rue, the chief of police. A little heavy mentally, but persistent 

and faithful. 
Mr. Thomas Richie, a good-hearted, but weak young fellow, of 

about twentyfour. 
Lee Waters, a theatrical manager. Pompous and much inclined 

to run things. 
Rastus, a porter. 
Mary Gilbert, a public stenographer. Age about twenty-five. A 

practical, sensible girl. 
Mrs. Marie Logan, a young married woman. Age about twenty- 
two. 
Mrs. Beatrice Mortimer, an actress. Age about forty-five. 
Mrs. John Brown, about forty years old. Very mild mannered, a 

little old fashioned. 
Mrs. Thomas Richie, age about twenty. A flighty little thing, 
frivolous, but affectionate. 

A FULL HOUSE 

A Farce in One Act 

By Dorothy Waldo 

Three males, three females. Costumes, modern; scene, an interior. 

Plays thirty minutes. Mrs. Jinks, who keeps a boarding house, gets two 

applicants for her second floor front mixed, and manages by accident to 

Straighten out a tangled love aff'air. Full of laughs. Recommended. 

Price, i^ cents 



THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 

An Entertainment in One Scene 

By Jessie A. Kelley 

One male, twelve females. Costumes, modern and eccentric ; scenery, 

mimportant. Plays an hour and a quarter. Another of Mrs. Kelley's 

X)pular assemblages of the floating humor of the Suffragette question. 

[ust a string of humorous lines and characters and local hits aimed to raise 

I hearty laugh without hurting anybody's feelings. Suited for women's 

:lubs and for general use in private theatricals. 

Price, 2j cetits 

CHARACTERS 
Mrs. John Yates, presiding officer. 
Mrs, Silas Curtis, suffragette speaker, 
Mrs. Eben Altman, suffragette speaker, 
Mrs. Eldon Keener, ajiti- suffragette. 
Mrs. Oscar Dayton, anti-siffragette, 
Mrs. Jonas Harding, anti-suffragette. 
Miss Rosabelle Hyacinth, engaged. 
Miss Priscilla Prudence, would like to be engaged* 
Miss Anna H elder, great oti style. 
Mrs. Charles Bates, ant i- suffragette, 
Mrs. Russell Sager, suffragette. 
Mrs. Francis Wood, suff?'agette. 
Silas Curtis, who beco?nes an ardent advocate of woman suffrage 

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS 

A High School Comedy in One Act 
By Gladys Ruth Bridgham 
Three males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, a single in 
terior. Plays one hour. Three seminary girls go to the masquerade on 
the sly, get mixed up there with some students and have a narrow escape 
from detection. Their later anxieties are complicated by the fact that the) 
discover that one of the younger members of their own faculty was also 
there ; but this later suggests a plan by which they escape. Very brighl 
and breezy and full of fun and action. 

Price, /J cents 

LOOK OUT FOR PAINT 

A Farce Comedy in Three Acts 

By Cornelius Shea 

Five males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior and 

one exterior. Plays an hour and a half. An elderly maiden, making a 

" flash " at a summer boarding-house, runs into a young artist with whom 

she has corresponded through a matrimonial bureau. He is anadmirerof 

the- landlady's daughter and tells her the facts before the lady has seen 

him. She induces Roamer, a tramp house-painter, to exchange identities 

with his fellow artist with side-splitting results. A capital piece, full qI 

humor and very easy. Recommended for schools. 

Price, 25 cents 



PICKING A WINNER 

A Farce in Three Acts 
By MacPherson yanney 
Nine males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, twa interiors. 
Plays two hours. Three foreign noblemen in pursuit of the millions of an 
American heiress disguise themselves as a cook, a chauffeur, and a butler, 
and enter her employ. The police force of McNabb, 111., embodied in a 
rustic disciple of Sherlock Holmes, misconceives them and causes a lot of 
fun for everybody but them. Very funny and original and strongly 
recommended. Professional rights reserved. Price, 2^ cents 

CHARACTERS 

Sir Francis MacDonald, who wajits Blanche. 

Count Alexandre, who wants Blanche s money. 

The Earl of Norton, also desirous of Blanche's coin. 

The Grand Duke Ruffievitch, equally keen after Blanche $ 

wealth. 
Col. Arthur Hopkins, the police force of McNabb, lUitwis. 
Fred 1 

Mervyn \ three gilded youths. 
Frank ) 

Hawkins, Lady Janef s butler. 
Blanche Kane, an American heiress. 
Lady Janet MacDonald, Sir Francis aunt, 
IsABELLE Foster | 

Olga Foster V three American heiresses. 
Stella Foster J 

THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 

A Farce in Two Acts 
By M. G. 
Seven males, two females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, a single in- 
terior. Plays one hour. Intended to be played by male actors only. 
Isry Ebbetts's distrust of banks leads him to keep his money in a rubber 
boot. The fact that he never banks his receipts and his known possession 
of the " Ebbetts fortune " make him an object of interest to Nine-Fingered 
Pete and others, including two suffragettes with prohibition ideas. His 
troubles are many, but he comes out all right. Very funny. Can be 
recommended. Price, 75 cents 

CHARACTERS 

"Isry" Ebbetts, owner of Hainden' s Center Store. 

Eddy Rias, his clerk. 

Andrew Strong, a mysterious stranger from Portland. 

Francesca Willets I members of Hamdens 

Edwina Bemis I Reform League. 

Archenbachus Herodotus Snooze, a member of Pinkums De* 

tec live Agejicy. 
Foggerty Young, town constable. 
Thomas Rustan, a practical joker. 
Squire Peckham, chairman of the town council. 
Farmeh^, 



REBELLIOUS JANE 

A Comedy in Three Acts 
By Rachel Baker Gale 
Author of " Mr. Bob," « Bachelor Hall," etc. 
Eight females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an exterior and an in. 
terior. Plays two and a quarter hours. Royally ^5.00 for amateur per- 
formance. Jane Delafield's visit to a ranch makes her discontented with 
the trammels of " society," so she persuades her mother to go " west," 
where she becomes the champion of Elizabeth Weston, who has left home 
to avoid a repugnant marriage urged upon her by her brothers as part of 
a business transaction. This brings her into some extensive and exciting 
complications and a rather more strenuous life than she had planned. 
She gets away with it, however, and all ends well. Irish, colored and 
" old maid " comedy parts. Has been successful for two seasons in manu- 
script. Strongly recommended. 

Price, 2^ cents 

CHARACTERS 
Mrs. Delafield, a woman of fashion, rather blasi and bored with 

her social duties. 
Jane, her daughter, you7ig and attractive who rebels against con- 

ventionalities, and takes her family atid friends to Calif or7iia where 

they live on a ranch. 
Elise Reynolds, her friend, who also longs for something " worth 

while. 
Anne Weston, Mrs. Delafield' s social secretary, a young woman 

who has run away from her brothers' ranch to escape marrying a 

notoriously bad inan. 
Mammy Rose, an old colored servaiit, who has taken care *' ob Miss 

Janey eber since she war born. 
Samantha Heatherbloom, a stro7ig-minded woman with a bee 
^ industry. 

Ellen, her maid. Excellent opportunity for Irish dialect. 
Manda Sharpwell, a spinster zuho seeks oblivion and repose, 

SYNOPSIS 
Act I. — Mrs. Delafield's garden. 
Act II. — Interior of a house on a ranch in Southern California. 

PLAYING THE GAME 

A Comedy in Two Acts 
By Joseph a M. Murray 
Seven females. Costumes, modern; scenery, a single easy interior. 
Plays one and a half hours. Free of royalty. Mrs. Wentworth wants her 
daughter, Helen, to get a rich husband, and picks out Archie Laurier, an 
impecunious youth whose mother is looking for an heiress for him. Both 
mothers play the game for all that it is worth, but Aunt Phoebe Ellis, from 
the country, gives the whole thing away in the end. Irish comedy part 
Clean and bright. Well recommended. 

Pricet 2^ cents 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

A Farce in Three Acts 
By Macpherson yanney 

Eight males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an easy in- 
terior. Plays a full evening. Professional rights reserved. Prentice, out 
of favor with a rich uncle who supports him because he declines to marry 
a girl the uncle has picked out, encounters her by accident and has to 
masquerade as *' Mr. Kelley." The encounter is complicated by the pres- 
ence of Ted Strong, of the St. Louis '* Nationals " and the Rev. Ernest 
Frey, both of whom get mixed up with " Kelley " and with one another. 
It finally appears that his uncle's choice and the girl for whom Prentice 
has thrown her over are one and the same and all ends well. An ex- 
ceptionally bright and laughable farce ; characters first class ; situations 
side splitting, dialogue very funny. A sure hit and can be recommended 
for schools. 

Price, 2^ cents 

CHARACTERS 

Cl ARENCE Prentice, more or less a gentleman of leisure^ 
Henry Tetlow, his uncle, an impressario. 
Rufe King, his brother-in-law. 

The Rev. Ernest Frey, rector of St. Benedict's, Heathfield Parish, 
Ted Strong, late of the St. Louis ** Nationals.'* 
Ignatz Demarest Rogers, a syncopated genius. 
Barton, butler at the Tetlows . 
Jim, a policeman. 

Madelaine Sanderson, Tetlow s ward, 
Mary King, his niece. 
Leslie Hill, late of the "Folies Bergeres,*' 
Students of Raeton College. 

Scene. — Tetlow' s home, Raeton. 
Time. — The opening night of college. 



THE VILLAGE POSTMISTRESS 

A Rural Comedy Drama in Three Acts 

By Bertha Currier Porter 

Six males, six females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 
Plays two hours. Alice, a nameless girl who lives with the Websters, is 
loved by the idolized son of the family. The mother, learning of this, 
turns her out of the house into the storm in his absence. The search that 
follows her departure discovers her to be the daughter of an early lover 
of the woman who sent her away. She is finally found and all ends 
happily. A simple but powerful story told by a cast of strong and well- 
drawn characters. Plenty of humor ; clean and bright. Strongly recom' 
mended. 

Price, 15 cents 



THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY 

A Comedy Drama in Three Acts 
By Orrin E. Wilkins 
Ten males, six females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two easy inte* 
riors. Plays a full evening. Bob Kendrick, college athlete and popular 
man, is in love with Dorothy Seabury, but she will not hear him until he 
has made a start in life. He runs for the office of District Attorney as 
part of a political trick of the '« boss," Sullivan, but turns the trick and 
wins the election. His first official act is the prosecution of the Packing 
Company of which Dorothy's father is the head, which leads to his suicide 
and Dorothy's alienation. Later, when she knows that his strict pursuit 
of duty has not spared his own father's name, which was involved in the 
same scandal, she understands and forgives him. The political thread on 
which is strung a strong and varied story, introducing lots of comedy and 
a strong college flavor. Good enough for any purpose ; strongly recom- 
mended. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Mr. Wm. Seabury, Pres. of Seabury Packing Co. 

Mr. Herbert Brownell, reporter of the " Tribune*' 

Richard Seabury, senior at college. 

Bob Kendrick, a fixture at the university. 

Billy Reynolds, /r<?5//w«« at college. 

P. Homer '^miaa'W h.^, politician. 

John J. Crosby, district attorney, running for reelection, 

JiMMiE, office boy. 

Howard Calvert, Beverly s little brother, ' 

Sam, Calvert s butler. 

Aunt Hattie, Win. Seabury s sister. 

Dorothy Seabury, Win. Seabury s daughter, 

Beverly Calvert, | 

Peggy Marshall, \ Dorothy s chums. 

Polly Whitney, ] 

Margaret, servant. 

SYNOPSIS 
Act I. Drawing-room of the Seabury residence. 
Act II. The district attorney's office, a few months later. 
Act III. Same as Act I, one year later. 

A SUFFRAGETTE TOWN MEETING 

An Entertainment in One Act 
By Lilian Clisby Bridgham 
Twenty female characters. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an ordinary 
room or hall — unimportant. Plays one hour. Presents a town meeting as 
it will be conducted by and by when the ladies have taken full charge of 
the public business. A shrewd and good-natured satire of present feminine 
peculiarities applied to this problem written for laughing purposes only. 
Just the thing for women's clubs. 

Price, ^j cents 



B. CU. Pinero's Plays 

Price» SO eetit$ EacD 



THF A M A 7nW^ Fsltcq in Three Acts. Seven males, five f e- 
iiAij n.iiLrL£j\jL^Kt males. Costumes, modern; scenery, not 
difficult. Plays a full evening. 

THE CABINET MINISTER ^S. t^I°Y.JSlt. ^S 

tumes, modern society; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

n ANHY TUfrK" ^ai"c© i» Three Acts. Seven males, four fe- 
M^txiJU i. 1/1 vi%. males. Costumes, ihodern ; scenery, two inte- 
riors. Plays two hours and a half. 

THF nAY ! ORH Of TFY Comedy in Four Acts. Four males, 
IHE. UAI LUHUI^UJIA ten females. Costumes, modern; 
Bcenery, two Interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. 

HIS HOTKF IN ORDFR comedy in Four Acts. NInemalee, 
niO nUUOEi 111 UALFEiIV four females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THF HORRY HORSF comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, 
inC nUDDI nUI\k>i:i Ave females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery easy. Plays two hours and a half. 

ipfC Drama in Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. Costumes, 
XlVliJ modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

I A HY RniTNTIFITI ^l^y ^^ Four Acts. Eight males, seven 
IjAI^I U\/Villiruij females. Costumes, modern; scen- 
ery, four interiors, not easy. Plays a full evening. 

I FTTY I^rama In Four Acta and an Epilogue. Ten males, five 
^'ta^ 1 1 females. Costimies, modern; scenery complicated. 
Plays a full evening. 

TUF MAr'IQTD ATI? Farce in Three Acts. Twelve males, 
lffli:i iUi\UiiJlIVi\lEi four females. Costumes, modern; 
BOOnery, all interior. Plays two hours and a half. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Walttv ^. pafeer Sc Companp 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

015 940 042 6 # 



Cf)e WiUimn barren Ctittion 
of ^laps 



A^ YAH I HTF IT Comedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four 
AD IvU M<^i< ■t females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, va- 
ried. Plays a full evening. 

rAIHITIP Drama in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. Oos- 
vARllLfifC tumes, modern ; scenery, varied. Plays a full evening. 

INfiAMAD ^^y ^° ^^'^^ Aots. Thirteen males, three females. 
inUvIUitA Scenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full evening. 

MADV ^TIIADT Tragedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
jnAI\l tSlUAal males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
period ; scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 

TIE MERCHANT OP VENICE £rs??^?.!i;^t;J:: ^tT^. 

picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 

DimPI IPII Pl*y ^^ ^^ ■'^ots. Fifteen males, two females. 8o«n- 
mVllLtMlwv ery elaborate ; costumes of the period. Plays a full 
evening. 

THP DIVAI^ Comedy in Fire Acts. Nine males, five females. 
IIU4 BlTAL^ Scenery varied; costumes of the period. Plays a 
full evening. 

SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER ^S^ll^r tV^i^X,^^ 

ried ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 

TWELFTH NlfiHT; OR, WHAT TOO WILL 'j^l^lHiL: 

three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. Plays a 
full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Walttt 1^. 'Bafier & Company 

Wo. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 

a. J. PARKMILl. A CO., PRINTBAS. BCWTOM, U.S.A. 



